The Merry Wives of Windsor
by William Shakespeare
Edited by Barbara A. Mowat and Paul Werstine
  with Michael Poston and Rebecca Niles
Folger Shakespeare Library
https://shakespeare.folger.edu/shakespeares-works/the-merry-wives-of-windsor/
Created on Jul 31, 2015, from FDT version 0.9.2

Characters in the Play
======================
MISTRESS FORD
FORD, her husband
Their servants:
  JOHN
  ROBERT
MISTRESS PAGE
PAGE, her husband
ANNE, their daughter
WILLIAM, their son
DOCTOR CAIUS, a French doctor, suitor to Anne Page
MISTRESS QUICKLY, the doctor's housekeeper
JOHN RUGBY, the doctor's manservant
SIR HUGH Evans, a Welsh parson
HOST of the Garter Inn
Windsor Children, disguised as fairies
Sir John FALSTAFF, an impoverished knight
Falstaff's servants:
  ROBIN, his page
  BARDOLPH
  PISTOL
  NYM
FENTON, a gentleman, suitor to Anne Page
Robert SHALLOW, a visiting justice of the peace
Abraham SLENDER, his nephew, a young gentleman suitor to Anne Page
SIMPLE, Slender's servant


ACT 1
=====

Scene 1
=======
[Enter Justice Shallow, Slender, and Sir Hugh Evans.]


SHALLOW  Sir Hugh, persuade me not. I will make a
Star-Chamber matter of it. If he were twenty Sir
John Falstaffs, he shall not abuse Robert Shallow,
Esquire.

SLENDER  In the county of Gloucester, Justice of Peace
and Coram.

SHALLOW  Ay, Cousin Slender, and Custalorum.

SLENDER  Ay, and Ratolorum too; and a gentleman born,
Master Parson, who writes himself "Armigero"
in any bill, warrant, quittance, or obligation--
"Armigero!"

SHALLOW  Ay, that I do, and have done any time these
three hundred years.

SLENDER  All his successors gone before him hath
done 't, and all his ancestors that come after him
may. They may give the dozen white luces in their
coat.

SHALLOW  It is an old coat.

SIR HUGH  The dozen white louses do become an old
coat well. It agrees well, passant. It is a familiar
beast to man and signifies love.

SHALLOW  The luce is the fresh fish. The salt fish is an
old coat.

SLENDER  I may quarter, coz.

SHALLOW  You may, by marrying.

SIR HUGH  It is marring indeed, if he quarter it.

SHALLOW  Not a whit.

SIR HUGH  Yes, py 'r Lady. If he has a quarter of your
coat, there is but three skirts for yourself, in my
simple conjectures. But that is all one. If Sir John
Falstaff have committed disparagements unto you,
I am of the Church, and will be glad to do my
benevolence to make atonements and compromises
between you.

SHALLOW  The Council shall hear it; it is a riot.

SIR HUGH  It is not meet the Council hear a riot. There
is no fear of Got in a riot. The Council, look you,
shall desire to hear the fear of Got, and not to hear
a riot. Take your visaments in that.

SHALLOW  Ha! O' my life, if I were young again, the
sword should end it.

SIR HUGH  It is petter that friends is the sword, and end
it. And there is also another device in my prain,
which peradventure prings goot discretions with
it. There is Anne Page, which is daughter to Master
Thomas Page, which is pretty virginity.

SLENDER  Mistress Anne Page? She has brown hair
and speaks small like a woman?

SIR HUGH  It is that fery person for all the 'orld, as just
as you will desire. And seven hundred pounds of
moneys, and gold, and silver, is her grandsire upon
his death's-bed (Got deliver to a joyful resurrections!)
give, when she is able to overtake seventeen
years old. It were a goot motion if we leave our
pribbles and prabbles, and desire a marriage between
Master Abraham and Mistress Anne Page.

SLENDER  Did her grandsire leave her seven hundred
pound?

SIR HUGH  Ay, and her father is make her a petter
penny.

SLENDER  I know the young gentlewoman. She has
good gifts.

SIR HUGH  Seven hundred pounds and possibilities is
goot gifts.

SHALLOW  Well, let us see honest Master Page. Is Falstaff
there?

SIR HUGH  Shall I tell you a lie? I do despise a liar as I
do despise one that is false, or as I despise one that
is not true. The knight Sir John is there, and I beseech
you be ruled by your well-willers. I will peat
the door for Master Page. [He knocks.] What ho?
Got pless your house here.

PAGE, [within]  Who's there?

SIR HUGH  Here is Got's plessing, and your friend, and
Justice Shallow, and here young Master Slender,
that peradventures shall tell you another tale, if
matters grow to your likings.

[Enter Master Page.]


PAGE  I am glad to see your Worships well. I thank you
for my venison, Master Shallow.

SHALLOW  Master Page, I am glad to see you. Much
good do it your good heart! I wished your venison
better; it was ill killed. How doth good Mistress
Page? And I thank you always with my heart, la,
with my heart.

PAGE  Sir, I thank you.

SHALLOW  Sir, I thank you; by yea and no, I do.

PAGE  I am glad to see you, good Master Slender.

SLENDER  How does your fallow greyhound, sir? I
heard say he was outrun on Cotsall.

PAGE  It could not be judged, sir.

SLENDER  You'll not confess, you'll not confess.

SHALLOW  That he will not. 'Tis your fault, 'tis your
fault. 'Tis a good dog.

PAGE  A cur, sir.

SHALLOW  Sir, he's a good dog and a fair dog. Can there
be more said? He is good and fair. Is Sir John Falstaff
here?

PAGE  Sir, he is within, and I would I could do a good
office between you.

SIR HUGH  It is spoke as a Christians ought to speak.

SHALLOW  He hath wronged me, Master Page.

PAGE  Sir, he doth in some sort confess it.

SHALLOW  If it be confessed, it is not redressed. Is not
that so, Master Page? He hath wronged me, indeed
he hath; at a word, he hath. Believe me. Robert
Shallow, Esquire, saith he is wronged.

[Enter Sir John Falstaff, Bardolph, Nym, and Pistol.]


PAGE  Here comes Sir John.

FALSTAFF  Now, Master Shallow, you'll complain of me
to the King?

SHALLOW  Knight, you have beaten my men, killed my
deer, and broke open my lodge.

FALSTAFF  But not kissed your keeper's daughter.

SHALLOW  Tut, a pin. This shall be answered.

FALSTAFF  I will answer it straight: I have done all this.
That is now answered.

SHALLOW  The Council shall know this.

FALSTAFF  'Twere better for you if it were known in
counsel. You'll be laughed at.

SIR HUGH  Pauca verba, Sir John, good worts.

FALSTAFF  Good worts? Good cabbage!--Slender, I
broke your head. What matter have you against
me?

SLENDER  Marry, sir, I have matter in my head against
you and against your cony-catching rascals, Bardolph,
Nym, and Pistol.

BARDOLPH  You Banbury cheese!

SLENDER  Ay, it is no matter.

PISTOL  How now, Mephostophilus?

SLENDER  Ay, it is no matter.

NYM  Slice, I say! Pauca, pauca. Slice, that's my humor.

SLENDER, [to Shallow]  Where's Simple, my man?
Can you tell, cousin?

SIR HUGH  Peace, I pray you. Now let us understand;
there is three umpires in this matter, as I understand:
that is, Master Page (fidelicet Master Page);
and there is myself (fidelicet myself); and the three
party is, lastly and finally, mine Host of the Garter.

PAGE  We three to hear it and end it between them.

SIR HUGH  Fery goot. I will make a prief of it in my
notebook, and we will afterwards 'ork upon the
cause with as great discreetly as we can.

FALSTAFF  Pistol.

PISTOL  He hears with ears.

SIR HUGH  The tevil and his tam! What phrase is this,
"He hears with ear"? Why, it is affectations.

FALSTAFF  Pistol, did you pick Master Slender's purse?

SLENDER  Ay, by these gloves, did he--or I would I
might never come in mine own great chamber
again else--of seven groats in mill-sixpences,
and two Edward shovel-boards that cost me two
shilling and twopence apiece of Yed Miller, by
these gloves.

FALSTAFF  Is this true, Pistol?

SIR HUGH  No, it is false, if it is a pickpurse.

PISTOL  Ha, thou mountain foreigner!--Sir John and
master mine, I combat challenge of this latten
bilbo.--Word of denial in thy labras here! Word of
denial! Froth and scum, thou liest.

SLENDER, [indicating Nym]  By these gloves, then 'twas
he.

NYM  Be avised, sir, and pass good humors. I will say
"marry trap with you" if you run the nuthook's
humor on me. That is the very note of it.

SLENDER  By this hat, then, he in the red face had it.
For, though I cannot remember what I did when
you made me drunk, yet I am not altogether an
ass.

FALSTAFF  What say you, Scarlet and John?

BARDOLPH  Why, sir, for my part, I say the gentleman
had drunk himself out of his five sentences.

SIR HUGH  It is "his five senses." Fie, what the ignorance
is!

BARDOLPH, [to Falstaff]  And being fap, sir, was, as
they say, cashiered. And so conclusions passed the
careers.

SLENDER  Ay, you spake in Latin then too. But 'tis no
matter. I'll ne'er be drunk whilst I live again but in
honest, civil, godly company, for this trick. If I be
drunk, I'll be drunk with those that have the fear of
God, and not with drunken knaves.

SIR HUGH  So Got 'udge me, that is a virtuous mind.

FALSTAFF  You hear all these matters denied, gentlemen.
You hear it.

[Enter Anne Page with wine.]


PAGE  Nay, daughter, carry the wine in. We'll drink
within.	[Anne Page exits.]

SLENDER  O heaven, this is Mistress Anne Page.

[Enter Mistress Ford and Mistress Page.]


PAGE  How now, Mistress Ford?

FALSTAFF  Mistress Ford, by my troth, you are very well
met. By your leave, good mistress.	[He kisses her.]

PAGE  Wife, bid these gentlemen welcome.--Come, we
have a hot venison pasty to dinner. Come, gentlemen,
I hope we shall drink down all unkindness.
[All but Slender, Shallow, and Sir Hugh exit.]

SLENDER  I had rather than forty shillings I had my
book of Songs and Sonnets here!

[Enter Simple.]

How now, Simple? Where have you been? I must
wait on myself, must I? You have not the Book of
Riddles about you, have you?

SIMPLE  Book of Riddles? Why, did you not lend it to
Alice Shortcake upon Allhallowmas last, a fortnight
afore Michaelmas?

SHALLOW, [to Slender]  Come, coz; come, coz. We stay
for you. A word with you, coz. Marry, this, coz:
there is, as 'twere, a tender, a kind of tender, made
afar off by Sir Hugh here. Do you understand me?

SLENDER  Ay, sir, you shall find me reasonable. If it be
so, I shall do that that is reason.

SHALLOW  Nay, but understand me.

SLENDER  So I do, sir.

SIR HUGH  Give ear to his motions, Master Slender. I
will description the matter to you, if you be capacity
of it.

SLENDER  Nay, I will do as my cousin Shallow says. I
pray you, pardon me. He's a Justice of Peace in his
country, simple though I stand here.

SIR HUGH  But that is not the question. The question is
concerning your marriage.

SHALLOW  Ay, there's the point, sir.

SIR HUGH  Marry, is it, the very point of it--to Mistress
Anne Page.

SLENDER  Why, if it be so, I will marry her upon any
reasonable demands.

SIR HUGH  But can you affection the 'oman? Let us command
to know that of your mouth, or of your lips;
for divers philosophers hold that the lips is parcel of
the mouth. Therefore, precisely, can you carry your
good will to the maid?

SHALLOW  Cousin Abraham Slender, can you love her?

SLENDER  I hope, sir, I will do as it shall become one
that would do reason.

SIR HUGH  Nay, Got's lords and His ladies! You must
speak positable, if you can carry her your desires
towards her.

SHALLOW  That you must. Will you, upon good dowry,
marry her?

SLENDER  I will do a greater thing than that, upon your
request, cousin, in any reason.

SHALLOW  Nay, conceive me, conceive me, sweet coz.
What I do is to pleasure you, coz. Can you love the
maid?

SLENDER  I will marry her, sir, at your request. But if
there be no great love in the beginning, yet heaven
may decrease it upon better acquaintance, when
we are married and have more occasion to know
one another. I hope upon familiarity will grow
more content. But if you say "Marry her," I will
marry her. That I am freely dissolved, and
dissolutely.

SIR HUGH  It is a fery discretion answer, save the fall is
in the 'ord "dissolutely." The 'ort is, according to
our meaning, "resolutely." His meaning is good.

SHALLOW  Ay, I think my cousin meant well.

SLENDER  Ay, or else I would I might be hanged, la!

[Enter Anne Page.]


SHALLOW  Here comes fair Mistress Anne.--Would I
were young for your sake, Mistress Anne.

ANNE  The dinner is on the table. My father desires
your Worships' company.

SHALLOW  I will wait on him, fair Mistress Anne.

SIR HUGH  'Od's plessed will, I will not be absence at
the grace.	[Sir Hugh and Shallow exit.]

ANNE, [to Slender]  Will 't please your Worship to come
in, sir?

SLENDER  No, I thank you, forsooth, heartily. I am very
well.

ANNE  The dinner attends you, sir.

SLENDER  I am not ahungry, I thank you, forsooth. [(To
Simple.)] Go, sirrah, for all you are my man, go
wait upon my cousin Shallow. [(Simple exits.)] A
Justice of Peace sometime may be beholding to his
friend for a man. I keep but three men and a boy
yet, till my mother be dead. But what though? Yet
I live like a poor gentleman born.

ANNE  I may not go in without your Worship. They will
not sit till you come.

SLENDER  I' faith, I'll eat nothing. I thank you as much
as though I did.

ANNE  I pray you, sir, walk in.

SLENDER  I had rather walk here, I thank you. I bruised
my shin th' other day with playing at sword and
dagger with a master of fence--three veneys for a
dish of stewed prunes--and, by my troth, I cannot
abide the smell of hot meat since. Why do your
dogs bark so? Be there bears i' th' town?

ANNE  I think there are, sir. I heard them talked of.

SLENDER  I love the sport well, but I shall as soon quarrel
at it as any man in England. You are afraid if
you see the bear loose, are you not?

ANNE  Ay, indeed, sir.

SLENDER  That's meat and drink to me, now. I have
seen Sackerson loose twenty times, and have taken
him by the chain. But, I warrant you, the women
have so cried and shrieked at it that it passed. But
women, indeed, cannot abide 'em; they are very ill-favored
rough things.

[Enter Page.]


PAGE  Come, gentle Master Slender, come. We stay for
you.

SLENDER  I'll eat nothing, I thank you, sir.

PAGE  By cock and pie, you shall not choose, sir! Come,
come.

SLENDER  Nay, pray you, lead the way.

PAGE  Come on, sir.

SLENDER  Mistress Anne, yourself shall go first.

ANNE  Not I, sir. Pray you, keep on.

SLENDER  Truly, I will not go first, truly, la! I will not do
you that wrong.

ANNE  I pray you, sir.

SLENDER  I'll rather be unmannerly than troublesome.
You do yourself wrong, indeed, la!
[They exit.]

Scene 2
=======
[Enter Sir Hugh Evans and Simple.]


SIR HUGH  Go your ways, and ask of Doctor Caius'
house which is the way. And there dwells one Mistress
Quickly, which is in the manner of his nurse,
or his dry nurse, or his cook, or his laundry--his
washer and his wringer.

SIMPLE  Well, sir.

SIR HUGH  Nay, it is petter yet. Give her this letter
[(handing him a paper),] for it is a 'oman that altogether's
acquaintance with Mistress Anne Page;
and the letter is to desire and require her to solicit
your master's desires to Mistress Anne Page. I pray
you, be gone. I will make an end of my dinner;
there's pippins and cheese to come.
[They exit.]

Scene 3
=======
[Enter Sir John Falstaff, Host, Bardolph, Nym, Pistol,
and Robin, Falstaff's Page.]


FALSTAFF  Mine Host of the Garter!

HOST  What says my bullyrook? Speak scholarly and
wisely.

FALSTAFF  Truly, mine Host, I must turn away some of
my followers.

HOST  Discard, bully Hercules, cashier. Let them wag;
trot, trot.

FALSTAFF  I sit at ten pounds a week.

HOST  Thou 'rt an emperor--Caesar, Keiser, and
Pheazar. I will entertain Bardolph. He shall draw,
he shall tap. Said I well, bully Hector?

FALSTAFF  Do so, good mine Host.

HOST  I have spoke. Let him follow.--Let me see thee
froth and lime. I am at a word. Follow.
[Host exits.]

FALSTAFF  Bardolph, follow him. A tapster is a good
trade. An old cloak makes a new jerkin, a withered
servingman a fresh tapster. Go. Adieu.

BARDOLPH  It is a life that I have desired. I will thrive.

PISTOL  O base Hungarian wight, wilt thou the spigot
wield?	[Bardolph exits.]

NYM  He was gotten in drink. Is not the humor
conceited?

FALSTAFF  I am glad I am so acquit of this tinderbox.
His thefts were too open. His filching was like an
unskillful singer; he kept not time.

NYM  The good humor is to steal at a minute's rest.

PISTOL  "Convey," the wise it call. "Steal"? Foh, a fico
for the phrase!

FALSTAFF  Well, sirs, I am almost out at heels.

PISTOL  Why, then, let kibes ensue.

FALSTAFF  There is no remedy. I must cony-catch, I
must shift.

PISTOL  Young ravens must have food.

FALSTAFF  Which of you know Ford of this town?

PISTOL  I ken the wight. He is of substance good.

FALSTAFF  My honest lads, I will tell you what I am
about.

PISTOL  Two yards and more.

FALSTAFF  No quips now, Pistol. Indeed, I am in the
waist two yards about, but I am now about no
waste; I am about thrift. Briefly, I do mean to make
love to Ford's wife. I spy entertainment in her. She
discourses; she carves; she gives the leer of invitation.
I can construe the action of her familiar style;
and the hardest voice of her behavior, to be Englished
rightly, is "I am Sir John Falstaff's."

PISTOL, [aside to Nym]  He hath studied her will and
translated her will--out of honesty into English.

NYM, [aside to Pistol]  The anchor is deep. Will that
humor pass?

FALSTAFF  Now, the report goes, she has all the rule of
her husband's purse. He hath a legion of angels.

PISTOL, [aside to Nym]  As many devils entertain, and
"To her, boy," say I.

NYM, [aside to Pistol]  The humor rises; it is good.
Humor me the angels.

FALSTAFF, [showing two papers]  I have writ me here a
letter to her; and here another to Page's wife, who
even now gave me good eyes too, examined my
parts with most judicious oeillades. Sometimes
the beam of her view gilded my foot, sometimes
my portly belly.

PISTOL, [aside to Nym]  Then did the sun on dunghill
shine.

NYM, [aside to Pistol]  I thank thee for that humor.

FALSTAFF  O, she did so course o'er my exteriors with
such a greedy intention that the appetite of her
eye did seem to scorch me up like a burning-glass.
Here's another letter to her. She bears the purse
too; she is a region in Guiana, all gold and bounty.
I will be cheaters to them both, and they shall be
exchequers to me; they shall be my East and West
Indies, and I will trade to them both. Go bear thou
this letter to Mistress Page--and thou this to Mistress
Ford. We will thrive, lads, we will thrive.

PISTOL
Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become,
And by my side wear steel? Then Lucifer take all!

NYM, [to Falstaff]  I will run no base humor. Here, take
the humor-letter. I will keep the havior of
reputation.

FALSTAFF, [giving papers to Robin]
Hold, sirrah, bear you these letters tightly;
Sail like my pinnace to these golden shores.--
Rogues, hence, avaunt, vanish like hailstones, go,
Trudge, plod away i' th' hoof, seek shelter, pack!
Falstaff will learn the humor of the age:
French thrift, you rogues--myself and skirted page.
[Falstaff and Robin exit.]

PISTOL
Let vultures gripe thy guts! For gourd and fullam
holds,
And high and low beguiles the rich and poor.
Tester I'll have in pouch when thou shalt lack,
Base Phrygian Turk!

NYM  I have operations which be humors of revenge.

PISTOL  Wilt thou revenge?

NYM  By welkin and her star!

PISTOL  With wit or steel?

NYM  With both the humors, I. I will discuss the
humor of this love to Ford.

PISTOL
And I to Page shall eke unfold
   How Falstaff, varlet vile,
His dove will prove, his gold will hold,
   And his soft couch defile.

NYM  My humor shall not cool. I will incense Ford to
deal with poison. I will possess him with yellowness,
for the revolt of mine is dangerous. That is
my true humor.

PISTOL  Thou art the Mars of malcontents. I second
thee. Troop on.
[They exit.]

Scene 4
=======
[Enter Mistress Quickly and Simple.]


MISTRESS QUICKLY  What, John Rugby! [(Enter John
Rugby.)] I pray thee, go to the casement and see if
you can see my master, Master Doctor Caius, coming.
If he do, i' faith, and find anybody in the
house, here will be an old abusing of God's patience
and the King's English.

RUGBY  I'll go watch.

MISTRESS QUICKLY  Go, and we'll have a posset for 't
soon at night, in faith, at the latter end of a seacoal
fire. [(Rugby exits.)] An honest, willing, kind fellow
as ever servant shall come in house withal; and, I
warrant you, no telltale nor no breed-bate. His
worst fault is that he is given to prayer. He is something
peevish that way, but nobody but has his
fault. But let that pass. Peter Simple you say your
name is?

SIMPLE  Ay, for fault of a better.

MISTRESS QUICKLY  And Master Slender's your master?

SIMPLE  Ay, forsooth.

MISTRESS QUICKLY  Does he not wear a great round
beard like a glover's paring knife?

SIMPLE  No, forsooth. He hath but a little wee face,
with a little yellow beard, a Cain-colored beard.

MISTRESS QUICKLY  A softly-sprited man, is he not?

SIMPLE  Ay, forsooth. But he is as tall a man of his
hands as any is between this and his head. He hath
fought with a warrener.

MISTRESS QUICKLY  How say you? O, I should remember
him. Does he not hold up his head, as it were,
and strut in his gait?

SIMPLE  Yes, indeed, does he.

MISTRESS QUICKLY  Well, heaven send Anne Page no
worse fortune! Tell Master Parson Evans I will do
what I can for your master. Anne is a good girl, and
I wish--

[Enter Rugby.]


RUGBY  Out, alas! Here comes my master.

MISTRESS QUICKLY  We shall all be shent.--Run in here,
good young man. Go into this closet. He will not
stay long. [(Simple exits.)] What, John Rugby!
John! What, John, I say! Go, John, go enquire for
my master. I doubt he be not well, that he comes
not home.	[Rugby exits.]
[(She sings.)] And down, down, adown 'a, etc.

[Enter Doctor Caius.]


DOCTOR CAIUS  Vat is you sing? I do not like dese toys.
Pray you, go and vetch me in my closet un boitier
vert, a box, a green-a box. Do intend vat I speak?
A green-a box.

MISTRESS QUICKLY  Ay, forsooth. I'll fetch it you.
[(Aside.)] I am glad he went not in himself. If he
had found the young man, he would have been
horn-mad.	[She exits.]

DOCTOR CAIUS  Fe, fe, fe, fe! Ma foi, il fait fort chaud. Je
m'en vais a la cour--la grande affaire.

[Enter Mistress Quickly with a small box.]


MISTRESS QUICKLY  Is it this, sir?

DOCTOR CAIUS  Oui, mets-le a mon pocket. Depeche,
quickly. Vere is dat knave Rugby?

MISTRESS QUICKLY  What, John Rugby, John!

[Enter Rugby.]


RUGBY  Here, sir.

DOCTOR CAIUS  You are John Rugby, and you are Jack
Rugby. Come, take-a your rapier, and come after
my heel to the court.

RUGBY  'Tis ready, sir, here in the porch.

DOCTOR CAIUS  By my trot, I tarry too long. Od's
me! Qu'ai-j'oublie? Dere is some simples in my
closet dat I vill not for the varld I shall leave
behind.	[He exits.]

MISTRESS QUICKLY  Ay me! He'll find the young man
there, and be mad!

[Enter Doctor Caius.]


DOCTOR CAIUS  O diable, diable! Vat is in my closet? Villainy!
Larron! [(Pulling out Simple.)] Rugby, my
rapier!

MISTRESS QUICKLY  Good master, be content.

DOCTOR CAIUS  Wherefore shall I be content-a?

MISTRESS QUICKLY  The young man is an honest man.

DOCTOR CAIUS  What shall de honest man do in my
closet? Dere is no honest man dat shall come in
my closet.

MISTRESS QUICKLY  I beseech you, be not so phlegmatic.
Hear the truth of it. He came of an errand to me
from Parson Hugh.

DOCTOR CAIUS  Vell?

SIMPLE  Ay, forsooth. To desire her to--

MISTRESS QUICKLY  Peace, I pray you.

DOCTOR CAIUS  Peace-a your tongue.--Speak-a your
tale.

SIMPLE  To desire this honest gentlewoman, your
maid, to speak a good word to Mistress Anne Page
for my master in the way of marriage.

MISTRESS QUICKLY  This is all, indeed, la! But I'll ne'er
put my finger in the fire, and need not.

DOCTOR CAIUS, [to Simple]  Sir Hugh send-a you?--
Rugby, baille me some paper.--Tarry you a little-a
while.

[Rugby brings paper, and Doctor Caius writes.]



MISTRESS QUICKLY, [aside to Simple]  I am glad he is so
quiet. If he had been throughly moved, you should
have heard him so loud and so melancholy. But
notwithstanding, man, I'll do you your master
what good I can. And the very yea and the no is,
the French doctor, my master--I may call him my
master, look you, for I keep his house, and I wash,
wring, brew, bake, scour, dress meat and drink,
make the beds, and do all myself--

SIMPLE, [aside to Quickly]  'Tis a great charge to come
under one body's hand.

MISTRESS QUICKLY, [aside to Simple]  Are you advised o'
that? You shall find it a great charge. And to be up
early and down late. But notwithstanding--to tell
you in your ear; I would have no words of it--my
master himself is in love with Mistress Anne Page.
But notwithstanding that, I know Anne's mind.
That's neither here nor there.

DOCTOR CAIUS, [handing paper to Simple]  You, jack'nape,
give-a this letter to Sir Hugh. By gar, it is a
shallenge. I will cut his troat in de park, and I will
teach a scurvy jackanape priest to meddle or
make. You may be gone. It is not good you tarry
here.--By gar, I will cut all his two stones. By gar,
he shall not have a stone to throw at his dog.
[Simple exits.]

MISTRESS QUICKLY  Alas, he speaks but for his friend.

DOCTOR CAIUS  It is no matter-a ver dat. Do not you tell-a
me dat I shall have Anne Page for myself? By gar, I
vill kill de jack priest; and I have appointed mine
Host of de Jarteer to measure our weapon. By gar,
I will myself have Anne Page.

MISTRESS QUICKLY  Sir, the maid loves you, and all shall
be well. We must give folks leave to prate. What
the goodyear!

DOCTOR CAIUS  Rugby, come to the court with me. [(To
Mistress Quickly.)] By gar, if I have not Anne Page,
I shall turn your head out of my door.--Follow my
heels, Rugby.

MISTRESS QUICKLY  You shall have Anne--
[Caius and Rugby exit.]
fool's head of your own. No, I know Anne's mind
for that. Never a woman in Windsor knows more
of Anne's mind than I do, nor can do more than I
do with her, I thank heaven.

FENTON, [within]  Who's within there, ho?

MISTRESS QUICKLY  Who's there, I trow? Come near the
house, I pray you.

[Enter Fenton.]


FENTON  How now, good woman? How dost thou?

MISTRESS QUICKLY  The better that it pleases your good
Worship to ask.

FENTON  What news? How does pretty Mistress Anne?

MISTRESS QUICKLY  In truth, sir, and she is pretty, and
honest, and gentle; and one that is your friend, I
can tell you that by the way, I praise heaven for it.

FENTON  Shall I do any good, think'st thou? Shall I not
lose my suit?

MISTRESS QUICKLY  Troth, sir, all is in His hands above.
But notwithstanding, Master Fenton, I'll be sworn
on a book she loves you. Have not your Worship a
wart above your eye?

FENTON  Yes, marry, have I. What of that?

MISTRESS QUICKLY  Well, thereby hangs a tale. Good
faith, it is such another Nan! But, I detest, an honest
maid as ever broke bread. We had an hour's
talk of that wart. I shall never laugh but in that
maid's company. But, indeed, she is given too
much to allicholy and musing. But, for you,--well,
go to.

FENTON  Well, I shall see her today. Hold, there's
money for thee. [(He hands her money.)] Let me
have thy voice in my behalf. If thou see'st her before
me, commend me.

MISTRESS QUICKLY  Will I? I' faith, that we will. And I
will tell your Worship more of the wart the next
time we have confidence, and of other wooers.

FENTON  Well, farewell. I am in great haste now.

MISTRESS QUICKLY  Farewell to your Worship.
[Fenton exits.]
Truly an honest gentleman--but Anne loves him
not, for I know Anne's mind as well as another
does. Out upon 't! What have I forgot?
[She exits.]


ACT 2
=====

Scene 1
=======
[Enter Mistress Page reading a letter.]


MISTRESS PAGE  What, have I 'scaped love letters in
the holiday time of my beauty, and am I now a
subject for them? Let me see.
[She reads.]
Ask me no reason why I love you, for though Love
use Reason for his precisian, he admits him not for
his counselor. You are not young; no more am I. Go
to, then, there's sympathy. You are merry; so am I.
Ha, ha, then, there's more sympathy. You love sack,
and so do I. Would you desire better sympathy? Let
it suffice thee, Mistress Page--at the least, if the love
of soldier can suffice--that I love thee. I will not say
pity me--'tis not a soldier-like phrase--but I say love
me. By me,
	Thine own true knight,
	By day or night,
	Or any kind of light,
	With all his might
	For thee to fight,
John Falstaff.
What a Herod of Jewry is this! O wicked, wicked
world! One that is well-nigh worn to pieces with
age, to show himself a young gallant! What an
unweighed behavior hath this Flemish drunkard
picked--with the devil's name!--out of my conversation,
that he dares in this manner assay me?
Why, he hath not been thrice in my company!
What should I say to him? I was then frugal of my
mirth. Heaven forgive me! Why, I'll exhibit a bill
in the Parliament for the putting down of men.
How shall I be revenged on him? For revenged I
will be, as sure as his guts are made of puddings.

[Enter Mistress Ford.]


MISTRESS FORD  Mistress Page! Trust me, I was going to
your house.

MISTRESS PAGE  And, trust me, I was coming to you.
You look very ill.

MISTRESS FORD  Nay, I'll ne'er believe that. I have to
show to the contrary.

MISTRESS PAGE  Faith, but you do, in my mind.

MISTRESS FORD  Well, I do, then. Yet I say I could show
you to the contrary. O Mistress Page, give me some
counsel.

MISTRESS PAGE  What's the matter, woman?

MISTRESS FORD  O woman, if it were not for one trifling
respect, I could come to such honor!

MISTRESS PAGE  Hang the trifle, woman; take the honor.
What is it? Dispense with trifles. What is it?

MISTRESS FORD  If I would but go to hell for an eternal
moment or so, I could be knighted.

MISTRESS PAGE  What, thou liest! Sir Alice Ford? These
knights will hack, and so thou shouldst not alter
the article of thy gentry.

MISTRESS FORD  We burn daylight. Here, read, read. Perceive
how I might be knighted. [(She gives a paper
to Mistress Page, who reads it.)] I shall think the
worse of fat men as long as I have an eye to make
difference of men's liking. And yet he would not
swear; praised women's modesty; and gave such
orderly and well-behaved reproof to all uncomeliness
that I would have sworn his disposition
would have gone to the truth of his words. But
they do no more adhere and keep place together
than the Hundredth Psalm to the tune of
"Greensleeves." What tempest, I trow, threw this
whale, with so many tuns of oil in his belly, ashore
at Windsor? How shall I be revenged on him? I
think the best way were to entertain him with hope
till the wicked fire of lust have melted him in his
own grease. Did you ever hear the like?

MISTRESS PAGE  Letter for letter, but that the name of
Page and Ford differs! To thy great comfort in this
mystery of ill opinions, here's the twin brother of
thy letter. [(She gives a paper to Mistress Ford, who
reads it.)] But let thine inherit first, for I protest
mine never shall. I warrant he hath a thousand of
these letters writ with blank space for different
names--sure, more--and these are of the second
edition. He will print them, out of doubt; for he
cares not what he puts into the press, when he
would put us two. I had rather be a giantess and lie
under Mount Pelion. Well, I will find you twenty
lascivious turtles ere one chaste man.

MISTRESS FORD  Why, this is the very same--the very
hand, the very words. What doth he think of us?

MISTRESS PAGE  Nay, I know not. It makes me almost
ready to wrangle with mine own honesty. I'll entertain
myself like one that I am not acquainted
withal; for, sure, unless he know some strain in
me that I know not myself, he would never have
boarded me in this fury.

MISTRESS FORD  "Boarding" call you it? I'll be sure to
keep him above deck.

MISTRESS PAGE  So will I. If he come under my hatches,
I'll never to sea again. Let's be revenged on him.
Let's appoint him a meeting, give him a show of
comfort in his suit, and lead him on with a fine-baited
delay till he hath pawned his horses to mine
Host of the Garter.

MISTRESS FORD  Nay, I will consent to act any villainy
against him that may not sully the chariness of our
honesty. O, that my husband saw this letter! It
would give eternal food to his jealousy.

MISTRESS PAGE  Why, look where he comes, and my
good man too. He's as far from jealousy as I am
from giving him cause, and that, I hope, is an
unmeasurable distance.

MISTRESS FORD  You are the happier woman.

MISTRESS PAGE  Let's consult together against this greasy
knight. Come hither.	[They talk aside.]

[Enter Ford with Pistol, and Page with Nym.]


FORD  Well, I hope it be not so.

PISTOL
Hope is a curtal dog in some affairs.
Sir John affects thy wife.

FORD  Why, sir, my wife is not young.

PISTOL
He woos both high and low, both rich and poor,
Both young and old, one with another, Ford.
He loves the gallimaufry. Ford, perpend.

FORD  Love my wife?

PISTOL
With liver burning hot. Prevent,
Or go thou like Sir Acteon, he,
With Ringwood at thy heels.
O, odious is the name!

FORD  What name, sir?

PISTOL  The horn, I say. Farewell.
Take heed, have open eye, for thieves do foot by
night.
Take heed, ere summer comes or cuckoo birds do
sing.--
Away, Sir Corporal Nym.--Believe it, Page. He
speaks sense.	[He exits.]

FORD, [aside]  I will be patient. I will find out this.

NYM, [to Page]  And this is true. I like not the humor of
lying. He hath wronged me in some humors. I
should have borne the humored letter to her; but I
have a sword, and it shall bite upon my necessity.
He loves your wife; there's the short and the long.
My name is Corporal Nym. I speak and I avouch.
'Tis true. My name is Nym, and Falstaff loves your
wife. Adieu. I love not the humor of bread and
cheese. Adieu.	[He exits.]

PAGE, [aside]  "The humor of it," quoth he? Here's a fellow
frights English out of his wits.

FORD, [aside]  I will seek out Falstaff.

PAGE, [aside]  I never heard such a drawling, affecting
rogue.

FORD, [aside]  If I do find it--well.

PAGE, [aside]  I will not believe such a Cataian, though
the priest o' th' town commended him for a true
man.

FORD, [aside]  'Twas a good sensible fellow--well.

[Mistress Page and Mistress Ford come forward.]



PAGE, [to Mistress Page]  How now, Meg?

MISTRESS PAGE  Whither go you, George? Hark you.
[They talk aside.]

MISTRESS FORD, [to Ford]  How now, sweet Frank? Why
art thou melancholy?

FORD  I melancholy? I am not melancholy. Get you
home. Go.

MISTRESS FORD  Faith, thou hast some crochets in thy
head now.--Will you go, Mistress Page?

MISTRESS PAGE  Have with you.--You'll come to dinner,
George? [(Aside to Mistress Ford.)] Look who
comes yonder.

[Enter Mistress Quickly.]

She shall be our messenger to this paltry knight.

MISTRESS FORD  Trust me, I thought on her. She'll fit it.

MISTRESS PAGE, [to Mistress Quickly]  You are come to
see my daughter Anne?

MISTRESS QUICKLY  Ay, forsooth. And, I pray, how does
good Mistress Anne?

MISTRESS PAGE  Go in with us and see. We have an
hour's talk with you.
[Mistress Page, Mistress Ford, and
Mistress Quickly exit.]

PAGE  How now, Master Ford?

FORD  You heard what this knave told me, did you not?

PAGE  Yes, and you heard what the other told me?

FORD  Do you think there is truth in them?

PAGE  Hang 'em, slaves! I do not think the knight
would offer it. But these that accuse him in his intent
towards our wives are a yoke of his discarded
men, very rogues, now they be out of service.

FORD  Were they his men?

PAGE  Marry, were they.

FORD  I like it never the better for that. Does he lie at
the Garter?

PAGE  Ay, marry, does he. If he should intend this voyage
toward my wife, I would turn her loose to him;
and what he gets more of her than sharp words, let
it lie on my head.

FORD  I do not misdoubt my wife, but I would be loath
to turn them together. A man may be too confident.
I would have nothing lie on my head. I cannot
be thus satisfied.

[Enter Host.]


PAGE  Look where my ranting Host of the Garter
comes. There is either liquor in his pate or money
in his purse when he looks so merrily.--How now,
mine Host?

HOST  How now, bullyrook? Thou 'rt a gentleman.--
Cavaleiro Justice, I say!

[Enter Shallow.]


SHALLOW  I follow, mine Host, I follow.--Good even
and twenty, good Master Page. Master Page, will
you go with us? We have sport in hand.

HOST  Tell him, Cavaleiro Justice; tell him, bullyrook.

SHALLOW  Sir, there is a fray to be fought between
Sir Hugh the Welsh priest and Caius the French
doctor.

FORD  Good mine Host o' th' Garter, a word with you.

HOST  What say'st thou, my bullyrook?
[The Host and Ford talk aside.]

SHALLOW, [to Page]  Will you go with us to behold it?
My merry Host hath had the measuring of their
weapons and, I think, hath appointed them contrary
places; for, believe me, I hear the parson is no
jester. Hark, I will tell you what our sport shall be.
[Shallow and Page talk aside.]

HOST, [to Ford]  Hast thou no suit against my knight,
my guest cavalier?

FORD  None, I protest. But I'll give you a pottle of
burnt sack to give me recourse to him, and tell him
my name is Brook--only for a jest.

HOST  My hand, bully. Thou shalt have egress and
regress--said I well?--and thy name shall be
Brook. It is a merry knight. [(To Shallow and
Page.)] Will you go, ameers?

SHALLOW  Have with you, mine Host.

PAGE  I have heard the Frenchman hath good skill
in his rapier.

SHALLOW  Tut, sir, I could have told you more. In these
times you stand on distance--your passes, stoccados,
and I know not what. 'Tis the heart, Master
Page; 'tis here, 'tis here. I have seen the time, with
my long sword I would have made you four tall
fellows skip like rats.

HOST  Here, boys, here, here! Shall we wag?

PAGE  Have with you. I had rather hear them scold
than fight.	[Page, Host, and Shallow exit.]

FORD  Though Page be a secure fool and stands so
firmly on his wife's frailty, yet I cannot put off my
opinion so easily. She was in his company at Page's
house, and what they made there I know not. Well,
I will look further into 't, and I have a disguise to
sound Falstaff. If I find her honest, I lose not my
labor. If she be otherwise, 'tis labor well bestowed.
[He exits.]

Scene 2
=======
[Enter Sir John Falstaff and Pistol.]


FALSTAFF  I will not lend thee a penny.

PISTOL  Why then, the world's mine oyster, which I
with sword will open.

FALSTAFF  Not a penny. I have been content, sir, you
should lay my countenance to pawn. I have grated
upon my good friends for three reprieves for you
and your coach-fellow Nym, or else you had
looked through the grate like a gemini of baboons.
I am damned in hell for swearing to gentlemen my
friends you were good soldiers and tall fellows.
And when Mistress Bridget lost the handle of her
fan, I took 't upon mine honor thou hadst it not.

PISTOL  Didst not thou share? Hadst thou not fifteen
pence?

FALSTAFF  Reason, you rogue, reason. Think'st thou I'll
endanger my soul gratis? At a word, hang no more
about me. I am no gibbet for you. Go--a short
knife and a throng--to your manor of Pickt-hatch,
go. You'll not bear a letter for me, you rogue? You
stand upon your honor? Why, thou unconfinable
baseness, it is as much as I can do to keep the
terms of my honor precise. Ay, ay, I myself sometimes,
leaving the fear of God on the left hand
and hiding mine honor in my necessity, am fain to
shuffle, to hedge, and to lurch; and yet you, rogue,
will ensconce your rags, your cat-a-mountain
looks, your red-lattice phrases, and your bold beating
oaths under the shelter of your honor! You will
not do it? You?

PISTOL  I do relent. What would thou more of man?

[Enter Robin.]


ROBIN  Sir, here's a woman would speak with you.

FALSTAFF  Let her approach.

[Enter Mistress Quickly.]


MISTRESS QUICKLY  Give your Worship good morrow.

FALSTAFF  Good morrow, goodwife.

MISTRESS QUICKLY  Not so, an 't please your Worship.

FALSTAFF  Good maid, then.

MISTRESS QUICKLY  I'll be sworn--as my mother was,
the first hour I was born.

FALSTAFF  I do believe the swearer. What with me?

MISTRESS QUICKLY  Shall I vouchsafe your Worship a
word or two?

FALSTAFF  Two thousand, fair woman, and I'll vouchsafe
thee the hearing.

MISTRESS QUICKLY  There is one Mistress Ford, sir--I
pray, come a little nearer this ways. I myself dwell
with Master Doctor Caius.

FALSTAFF  Well, on. "Mistress Ford," you say--

MISTRESS QUICKLY  Your Worship says very true. I pray
your Worship, come a little nearer this ways.

FALSTAFF  I warrant thee, nobody hears. Mine own
people, mine own people.

MISTRESS QUICKLY  Are they so? God bless them and
make them His servants!

FALSTAFF  Well, "Mistress Ford"--what of her?

MISTRESS QUICKLY  Why, sir, she's a good creature.
Lord, Lord, your Worship's a wanton! Well, heaven
forgive you and all of us, I pray!

FALSTAFF  "Mistress Ford"--come, "Mistress Ford"--

MISTRESS QUICKLY  Marry, this is the short and the long
of it: you have brought her into such a canaries as
'tis wonderful. The best courtier of them all, when
the court lay at Windsor, could never have brought
her to such a canary. Yet there has been knights,
and lords, and gentlemen, with their coaches, I
warrant you, coach after coach, letter after letter,
gift after gift, smelling so sweetly--all musk--and
so rushling, I warrant you, in silk and gold, and in
such alligant terms, and in such wine and sugar of
the best and the fairest, that would have won any
woman's heart; and, I warrant you, they could
never get an eye-wink of her. I had myself twenty
angels given me this morning, but I defy all angels
in any such sort, as they say, but in the way of
honesty. And, I warrant you, they could never get
her so much as sip on a cup with the proudest of
them all. And yet there has been earls--nay, which
is more, pensioners--but, I warrant you, all is one
with her.

FALSTAFF  But what says she to me? Be brief, my good
she-Mercury.

MISTRESS QUICKLY  Marry, she hath received your letter,
for the which she thanks you a thousand times,
and she gives you to notify that her husband will
be absence from his house between ten and eleven.

FALSTAFF  Ten and eleven?

MISTRESS QUICKLY  Ay, forsooth; and then you may come
and see the picture, she says, that you wot of. Master
Ford, her husband, will be from home. Alas, the
sweet woman leads an ill life with him. He's a very
jealousy man. She leads a very frampold life with
him, good heart.

FALSTAFF  Ten and eleven. Woman, commend me to
her. I will not fail her.

MISTRESS QUICKLY  Why, you say well. But I have another
messenger to your Worship. Mistress Page
hath her hearty commendations to you too; and,
let me tell you in your ear, she's as fartuous a civil
modest wife, and one, I tell you, that will not miss
you morning nor evening prayer, as any is in Windsor,
whoe'er be the other. And she bade me tell
your Worship that her husband is seldom from
home, but she hopes there will come a time. I
never knew a woman so dote upon a man. Surely, I
think you have charms, la! Yes, in truth.

FALSTAFF  Not I, I assure thee. Setting the attraction of
my good parts aside, I have no other charms.

MISTRESS QUICKLY  Blessing on your heart for 't!

FALSTAFF  But I pray thee, tell me this: has Ford's wife
and Page's wife acquainted each other how they
love me?

MISTRESS QUICKLY  That were a jest indeed! They have
not so little grace, I hope. That were a trick indeed!
But Mistress Page would desire you to send her
your little page, of all loves. Her husband has a
marvelous infection to the little page; and, truly,
Master Page is an honest man. Never a wife in
Windsor leads a better life than she does. Do what
she will, say what she will, take all, pay all, go to
bed when she list, rise when she list--all is as she
will. And, truly, she deserves it, for if there be a
kind woman in Windsor, she is one. You must send
her your page, no remedy.

FALSTAFF  Why, I will.

MISTRESS QUICKLY  Nay, but do so then, and, look you,
he may come and go between you both. And in any
case have a nayword, that you may know one another's
mind, and the boy never need to understand
anything; for 'tis not good that children
should know any wickedness. Old folks, you know,
have discretion, as they say, and know the world.

FALSTAFF  Fare thee well. Commend me to them both.
There's my purse. [(He gives her money.)] I am yet
thy debtor.--Boy, go along with this woman. [(Mistress
Quickly and Robin exit.)] This news distracts
me.

PISTOL, [aside]
This punk is one of Cupid's carriers.
Clap on more sails, pursue; up with your fights;
Give fire! She is my prize, or ocean whelm them all!
[He exits.]

FALSTAFF  Sayst thou so, old Jack? Go thy ways. I'll
make more of thy old body than I have done. Will
they yet look after thee? Wilt thou, after the expense
of so much money, be now a gainer? Good
body, I thank thee. Let them say 'tis grossly done;
so it be fairly done, no matter.

[Enter Bardolph with wine.]


BARDOLPH  Sir John, there's one Master Brook below
would fain speak with you and be acquainted with
you, and hath sent your Worship a morning's
draught of sack.	[(He hands Falstaff the wine.)]

FALSTAFF  Brook is his name?

BARDOLPH  Ay, sir.

FALSTAFF  Call him in. Such Brooks are welcome to
me that o'erflows such liquor.	[(Bardolph exits.)]
Ah ha, Mistress Ford and Mistress Page, have I encompassed
you? Go to. Via!

[Enter Bardolph with Ford disguised as Brook.]


FORD, [as Brook]  God bless you, sir.

FALSTAFF  And you, sir. Would you speak with me?

FORD, [as Brook]  I make bold to press with so little
preparation upon you.

FALSTAFF  You're welcome. What's your will?--Give us
leave, drawer.	[Bardolph exits.]

FORD, [as Brook]  Sir, I am a gentleman that have spent
much. My name is Brook.

FALSTAFF  Good Master Brook, I desire more acquaintance
of you.

FORD, [as Brook]  Good Sir John, I sue for yours--not
to charge you, for I must let you understand I
think myself in better plight for a lender than you
are, the which hath something emboldened me to
this unseasoned intrusion; for they say, if money
go before, all ways do lie open.

FALSTAFF  Money is a good soldier, sir, and will on.

FORD, [as Brook]  Troth, and I have a bag of money
here troubles me. [He sets it down.] If you will help
to bear it, Sir John, take all, or half, for easing me
of the carriage.

FALSTAFF  Sir, I know not how I may deserve to be your
porter.

FORD, [as Brook]  I will tell you, sir, if you will give me
the hearing.

FALSTAFF  Speak, good Master Brook. I shall be glad
to be your servant.

FORD, [as Brook]  Sir, I hear you are a scholar--I will
be brief with you--and you have been a man long
known to me, though I had never so good means
as desire to make myself acquainted with you. I
shall discover a thing to you wherein I must very
much lay open mine own imperfection. But, good
Sir John, as you have one eye upon my follies, as
you hear them unfolded, turn another into the register
of your own, that I may pass with a reproof
the easier, sith you yourself know how easy it is to
be such an offender.

FALSTAFF  Very well, sir. Proceed.

FORD, [as Brook]  There is a gentlewoman in this
town--her husband's name is Ford.

FALSTAFF  Well, sir.

FORD, [as Brook]  I have long loved her and, I protest
to you, bestowed much on her, followed her with
a doting observance, engrossed opportunities to
meet her, fee'd every slight occasion that could but
niggardly give me sight of her, not only bought
many presents to give her, but have given largely to
many to know what she would have given. Briefly,
I have pursued her as love hath pursued me, which
hath been on the wing of all occasions. But whatsoever
I have merited, either in my mind or in my
means, meed I am sure I have received none, unless
experience be a jewel. That I have purchased
at an infinite rate, and that hath taught me to say
this:
"Love like a shadow flies when substance love
pursues,
Pursuing that that flies, and flying what pursues."

FALSTAFF  Have you received no promise of satisfaction
at her hands?

FORD, [as Brook]  Never.

FALSTAFF  Have you importuned her to such a
purpose?

FORD, [as Brook]  Never.

FALSTAFF  Of what quality was your love, then?

FORD, [as Brook]  Like a fair house built on another
man's ground, so that I have lost my edifice by
mistaking the place where I erected it.

FALSTAFF  To what purpose have you unfolded this to
me?

FORD, [as Brook]  When I have told you that, I have
told you all. Some say that though she appear honest
to me, yet in other places she enlargeth her
mirth so far that there is shrewd construction
made of her. Now, Sir John, here is the heart of my
purpose: you are a gentleman of excellent breeding,
admirable discourse, of great admittance,
authentic in your place and person, generally
allowed for your many warlike, courtlike, and
learned preparations.

FALSTAFF  O, sir!

FORD, [as Brook]  Believe it, for you know it. There is
money. [(He points to the bag.)] Spend it, spend
it, spend more; spend all I have. Only give me so
much of your time in exchange of it as to lay an
amiable siege to the honesty of this Ford's wife.
Use your art of wooing; win her to consent to you.
If any man may, you may as soon as any.

FALSTAFF  Would it apply well to the vehemency of
your affection that I should win what you would
enjoy? Methinks you prescribe to yourself very
preposterously.

FORD, [as Brook]  O, understand my drift. She dwells
so securely on the excellency of her honor that the
folly of my soul dares not present itself; she is too
bright to be looked against. Now, could I come to
her with any detection in my hand, my desires had
instance and argument to commend themselves. I
could drive her then from the ward of her purity,
her reputation, her marriage vow, and a thousand
other her defenses, which now are too too strongly
embattled against me. What say you to 't, Sir
John?

FALSTAFF, [taking the bag]  Master Brook, I will first
make bold with your money; next, give me your
hand; and, last, as I am a gentleman, you shall, if
you will, enjoy Ford's wife.

FORD, [as Brook]  O, good sir!

FALSTAFF  I say you shall.

FORD, [as Brook]  Want no money, Sir John; you shall
want none.

FALSTAFF  Want no Mistress Ford, Master Brook; you
shall want none. I shall be with her, I may tell you,
by her own appointment. Even as you came in to
me, her assistant or go-between parted from me. I
say I shall be with her between ten and eleven, for
at that time the jealous, rascally knave her husband
will be forth. Come you to me at night. You
shall know how I speed.

FORD, [as Brook]  I am blessed in your acquaintance.
Do you know Ford, sir?

FALSTAFF  Hang him, poor cuckoldly knave! I know
him not. Yet I wrong him to call him poor. They
say the jealous wittolly knave hath masses of
money, for the which his wife seems to me well-favored.
I will use her as the key of the cuckoldly
rogue's coffer, and there's my harvest home.

FORD, [as Brook]  I would you knew Ford, sir, that you
might avoid him if you saw him.

FALSTAFF  Hang him, mechanical salt-butter rogue! I
will stare him out of his wits. I will awe him with
my cudgel; it shall hang like a meteor o'er the
cuckold's horns. Master Brook, thou shalt know I
will predominate over the peasant, and thou shalt
lie with his wife. Come to me soon at night. Ford's
a knave, and I will aggravate his style. Thou, Master
Brook, shalt know him for knave and cuckold.
Come to me soon at night.	[Falstaff exits.]

FORD  What a damned epicurean rascal is this! My
heart is ready to crack with impatience. Who says
this is improvident jealousy? My wife hath sent
to him, the hour is fixed, the match is made.
Would any man have thought this? See the hell of
having a false woman: my bed shall be abused, my
coffers ransacked, my reputation gnawn at. And
I shall not only receive this villainous wrong but
stand under the adoption of abominable terms,
and by him that does me this wrong. Terms,
names! "Amaimon" sounds well, "Lucifer" well,
"Barbason" well; yet they are devils' additions, the
names of fiends. But "Cuckold," "Wittoll," "Cuckold"!
The devil himself hath not such a name. Page
is an ass, a secure ass. He will trust his wife, he will
not be jealous. I will rather trust a Fleming with
my butter, Parson Hugh the Welshman with my
cheese, an Irishman with my aquavitae bottle, or
a thief to walk my ambling gelding, than my wife
with herself. Then she plots, then she ruminates,
then she devises; and what they think in their
hearts they may effect, they will break their hearts
but they will effect. God be praised for my jealousy!
Eleven o'clock the hour. I will prevent this,
detect my wife, be revenged on Falstaff, and laugh
at Page. I will about it. Better three hours too soon
than a minute too late. Fie, fie, fie! Cuckold, cuckold,
cuckold!
[He exits.]

Scene 3
=======
[Enter Doctor Caius and Rugby.]


DOCTOR CAIUS  Jack Rugby.

RUGBY  Sir?

DOCTOR CAIUS  Vat is the clock, Jack?

RUGBY  'Tis past the hour, sir, that Sir Hugh promised
to meet.

DOCTOR CAIUS  By gar, he has save his soul dat he is no
come. He has pray his Pible well dat he is no come.
By gar, Jack Rugby, he is dead already if he be
come.

RUGBY  He is wise, sir. He knew your Worship would
kill him if he came.

DOCTOR CAIUS  By gar, de herring is no dead so as I vill
kill him. Take your rapier, Jack. I vill tell you how I
vill kill him.

RUGBY  Alas, sir, I cannot fence.

DOCTOR CAIUS  Villainy, take your rapier.

RUGBY  Forbear. Here's company.

[Enter Page, Shallow, Slender, and Host.]


HOST  God bless thee, bully doctor!

SHALLOW  God save you, Master Doctor Caius!

PAGE  Now, good Master Doctor!

SLENDER  Give you good morrow, sir.

DOCTOR CAIUS  Vat be all you, one, two, tree, four, come
for?

HOST  To see thee fight, to see thee foin, to see thee traverse;
to see thee here, to see thee there; to see
thy pass, thy puncto, thy stock, thy reverse, thy
distance, thy montant. Is he dead, my Ethiopian?
Is he dead, my Francisco? Ha, bully? What says
my Aesculapius, my Galien, my heart of elder, ha?
Is he dead, bully stale? Is he dead?

DOCTOR CAIUS  By gar, he is de coward jack-priest of de
vorld. He is not show his face.

HOST  Thou art a Castalion King Urinal Hector of
Greece, my boy!

DOCTOR CAIUS  I pray you, bear witness that me have
stay six or seven, two, tree hours for him, and he is
no come.

SHALLOW  He is the wiser man, Master Doctor. He is a
curer of souls, and you a curer of bodies. If you
should fight, you go against the hair of your professions.--
Is it not true, Master Page?

PAGE  Master Shallow, you have yourself been a great
fighter, though now a man of peace.

SHALLOW  Bodykins, Master Page, though I now be old
and of the peace, if I see a sword out, my finger
itches to make one. Though we are justices and
doctors and churchmen, Master Page, we have
some salt of our youth in us. We are the sons of
women, Master Page.

PAGE  'Tis true, Master Shallow.

SHALLOW  It will be found so, Master Page.--Master
Doctor Caius, I am come to fetch you home. I am
sworn of the peace. You have showed yourself a
wise physician, and Sir Hugh hath shown himself
a wise and patient churchman. You must go with
me, Master Doctor.

HOST  Pardon, guest Justice. [(To Caius.)] A word,
Monsieur Mockwater.

DOCTOR CAIUS  "Mockvater"? Vat is dat?

HOST  "Mockwater," in our English tongue, is "valor,"
bully.

DOCTOR CAIUS  By gar, then I have as much mockvater
as de Englishman. Scurvy jack-dog priest! By gar,
me vill cut his ears.

HOST  He will clapper-claw thee tightly, bully.

DOCTOR CAIUS  "Clapper-de-claw"? Vat is dat?

HOST  That is, he will make thee amends.

DOCTOR CAIUS  By gar, me do look he shall clapper-de-claw
me, for, by gar, me vill have it.

HOST  And I will provoke him to 't, or let him wag.

DOCTOR CAIUS  Me tank you for dat.

HOST  And moreover, bully--[(He draws Shallow, Page,
and Slender aside.)] But first, Master guest, and
Master Page, and eke Cavaleiro Slender, go you
through the town to Frogmore.

PAGE  Sir Hugh is there, is he?

HOST  He is there. See what humor he is in; and I will
bring the doctor about by the fields. Will it do
well?

SHALLOW  We will do it.

PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER  Adieu, good Master
Doctor.	[Page, Shallow, and Slender exit.]

DOCTOR CAIUS  By gar, me vill kill de priest, for he speak
for a jackanape to Anne Page.

HOST  Let him die. Sheathe thy impatience; throw cold
water on thy choler. Go about the fields with me
through Frogmore. I will bring thee where Mistress
Anne Page is, at a farmhouse a-feasting, and
thou shalt woo her. Cried game! Said I well?

DOCTOR CAIUS  By gar, me dank you vor dat. By gar, I
love you, and I shall procure-a you de good guest:
de earl, de knight, de lords, de gentlemen, my
patients.

HOST  For the which I will be thy adversary toward
Anne Page. Said I well?

DOCTOR CAIUS  By gar, 'tis good. Vell said.

HOST  Let us wag, then.

DOCTOR CAIUS  Come at my heels, Jack Rugby.
[They exit.]


ACT 3
=====

Scene 1
=======
[Enter Sir Hugh Evans (with a book and a sword)
and Simple (carrying Sir Hugh's gown).]


SIR HUGH  I pray you now, good Master Slender's servingman
and friend Simple by your name, which
way have you looked for Master Caius, that calls
himself doctor of physic?

SIMPLE  Marry, sir, the Petty-ward, the Park-ward,
every way; Old Windsor way, and every way but
the town way.

SIR HUGH  I most fehemently desire you, you will also
look that way.

SIMPLE  I will, sir.	[He exits.]

SIR HUGH  Pless my soul, how full of cholers I am, and
trempling of mind! I shall be glad if he have deceived
me. How melancholies I am! I will knog his
urinals about his knave's costard when I have good
opportunities for the 'ork. Pless my soul!
[Sings.]
	To shallow rivers, to whose falls
	Melodious birds sings madrigals.
	There will we make our peds of roses
	And a thousand fragrant posies.
	To shallow--
Mercy on me, I have a great dispositions to cry.
[Sings.]
	Melodious birds sing madrigals--
	Whenas I sat in Pabylon--
	And a thousand vagram posies.
	To shallow rivers, to whose falls
	Melodious birds sings madrigals.

[Enter Simple.]


SIMPLE  Yonder he is, coming this way, Sir Hugh.

SIR HUGH  He's welcome.
[Sings.]
	To shallow rivers, to whose falls--
Heaven prosper the right! What weapons is he?

SIMPLE  No weapons, sir. There comes my master,
Master Shallow, and another gentleman, from
Frogmore, over the stile, this way.

SIR HUGH  Pray you, give me my gown--or else keep it
in your arms.

[Enter Page, Shallow, and Slender.]


SHALLOW  How now, Master Parson? Good morrow,
good Sir Hugh. Keep a gamester from the dice,
and a good student from his book, and it is
wonderful.

SLENDER, [aside]  Ah, sweet Anne Page!

PAGE  God save you, good Sir Hugh!

SIR HUGH  God pless you from His mercy sake, all of
you!

SHALLOW  What, the sword and the word? Do you
study them both, Master Parson?

PAGE  And youthful still--in your doublet and hose
this raw rheumatic day?

SIR HUGH  There is reasons and causes for it.

PAGE  We are come to you to do a good office, Master
Parson.

SIR HUGH  Fery well. What is it?

PAGE  Yonder is a most reverend gentleman who, belike
having received wrong by some person, is at
most odds with his own gravity and patience that
ever you saw.

SHALLOW  I have lived fourscore years and upward. I
never heard a man of his place, gravity, and learning
so wide of his own respect.

SIR HUGH  What is he?

PAGE  I think you know him: Master Doctor Caius, the
renowned French physician.

SIR HUGH  Got's will and His passion of my heart! I had
as lief you would tell me of a mess of porridge.

PAGE  Why?

SIR HUGH  He has no more knowledge in Hibbocrates
and Galen--and he is a knave besides, a cowardly
knave as you would desires to be acquainted
withal.

PAGE, [to Shallow]  I warrant you, he's the man should
fight with him.

SLENDER, [aside]  O, sweet Anne Page!

SHALLOW  It appears so by his weapons. Keep them
asunder. Here comes Doctor Caius.

[Enter Host, Doctor Caius, and Rugby.
Caius and Sir Hugh offer to fight.]


PAGE  Nay, good Master Parson, keep in your weapon.

SHALLOW  So do you, good Master Doctor.

HOST  Disarm them, and let them question. Let them
keep their limbs whole and hack our English.
[Page and Shallow disarm Caius and Sir Hugh.]

DOCTOR CAIUS, [to Sir Hugh]  I pray you, let-a me speak
a word with your ear. Verefore vill you not
meet-a me?

SIR HUGH, [aside to Caius]  Pray you, use your patience.
[(Aloud.)] In good time.

DOCTOR CAIUS  By gar, you are de coward, de Jack dog,
John ape.

SIR HUGH, [aside to Caius]  Pray you, let us not be
laughing-stocks to other men's humors. I desire
you in friendship, and I will one way or other
make you amends. [(Aloud.)] By Jeshu, I will knog
your urinal about your knave's cogscomb.

DOCTOR CAIUS  Diable! Jack Rugby, mine Host de Jarteer,
have I not stay for him to kill him? Have I not,
at de place I did appoint?

SIR HUGH  As I am a Christians soul, now look you, this
is the place appointed. I'll be judgment by mine
Host of the Garter.

HOST  Peace, I say, Gallia and Gaul, French and Welsh,
soul-curer and body-curer!

DOCTOR CAIUS  Ay, dat is very good, excellent.

HOST  Peace, I say! Hear mine Host of the Garter. Am
I politic? Am I subtle? Am I a Machiavel? Shall I
lose my doctor? No, he gives me the potions and
the motions. Shall I lose my parson, my priest, my
Sir Hugh? No, he gives me the proverbs and the
no-verbs. [(To Caius.)] Give me thy hand, terrestrial;
so. [(To Sir Hugh.)] Give me thy hand, celestial;
so. Boys of art, I have deceived you both. I
have directed you to wrong places. Your hearts are
mighty, your skins are whole, and let burnt sack be
the issue. [(To Page and Shallow.)] Come, lay their
swords to pawn. [(To Caius and Sir Hugh.)] Follow
me, lads of peace, follow, follow, follow.
[Host exits.]

SHALLOW  Afore God, a mad Host. Follow, gentlemen,
follow.

SLENDER, [aside]  O, sweet Anne Page!
[Shallow, Page, and Slender exit.]

DOCTOR CAIUS  Ha, do I perceive dat? Have you make-a
de sot of us, ha, ha?

SIR HUGH  This is well! He has made us his vloutingstog.
I desire you that we may be friends, and let
us knog our prains together to be revenge on this
same scall, scurvy, cogging companion, the Host of
the Garter.

DOCTOR CAIUS  By gar, with all my heart. He promise
to bring me where is Anne Page. By gar, he deceive
me too.

SIR HUGH  Well, I will smite his noddles. Pray you,
follow.
[Sir Hugh, Caius, Simple, and Rugby exit.]

Scene 2
=======
[Enter Robin followed by Mistress Page.]


MISTRESS PAGE  Nay, keep your way, little gallant. You
were wont to be a follower, but now you are a
leader. Whether had you rather--lead mine eyes,
or eye your master's heels?

ROBIN  I had rather, forsooth, go before you like a man
than follow him like a dwarf.

MISTRESS PAGE  O, you are a flattering boy! Now I see
you'll be a courtier.

[Enter Ford.]


FORD  Well met, Mistress Page. Whither go you?

MISTRESS PAGE  Truly, sir, to see your wife. Is she at
home?

FORD  Ay, and as idle as she may hang together, for
want of company. I think if your husbands were
dead, you two would marry.

MISTRESS PAGE  Be sure of that--two other husbands.

FORD  Where had you this pretty weathercock?

MISTRESS PAGE  I cannot tell what the dickens his name
is my husband had him of.--What do you call your
knight's name, sirrah?

ROBIN  Sir John Falstaff.

FORD  Sir John Falstaff!

MISTRESS PAGE  He, he. I can never hit on 's name.
There is such a league between my goodman and
he. Is your wife at home indeed?

FORD  Indeed, she is.

MISTRESS PAGE  By your leave, sir. I am sick till I see
her.	[Mistress Page and Robin exit.]

FORD  Has Page any brains? Hath he any eyes? Hath
he any thinking? Sure they sleep; he hath no use
of them. Why, this boy will carry a letter twenty
mile as easy as a cannon will shoot point-blank
twelve score. He pieces out his wife's inclination.
He gives her folly motion and advantage. And now
she's going to my wife, and Falstaff's boy with her.
A man may hear this shower sing in the wind. And
Falstaff's boy with her! Good plots they are laid,
and our revolted wives share damnation together.
Well, I will take him, then torture my wife, pluck
the borrowed veil of modesty from the so-seeming
Mistress Page, divulge Page himself for a secure
and willful Acteon, and to these violent proceedings
all my neighbors shall cry aim. [A clock
strikes.] The clock gives me my cue, and my assurance
bids me search. There I shall find Falstaff. I
shall be rather praised for this than mocked, for it
is as positive as the earth is firm that Falstaff is
there. I will go.

[Enter Page, Shallow, Slender, Host, Sir Hugh
Evans, Doctor Caius, and Rugby.]


SHALLOW, PAGE, ETC.  Well met, Master Ford.

FORD  Trust me, a good knot. I have good cheer at
home, and I pray you all go with me.

SHALLOW  I must excuse myself, Master Ford.

SLENDER  And so must I, sir. We have appointed to dine
with Mistress Anne, and I would not break with
her for more money than I'll speak of.

SHALLOW  We have lingered about a match between
Anne Page and my cousin Slender, and this day we
shall have our answer.

SLENDER  I hope I have your good will, Father Page.

PAGE  You have, Master Slender. I stand wholly for
you.--But my wife, Master Doctor, is for you
altogether.

DOCTOR CAIUS  Ay, be-gar, and de maid is love-a me! My
nursh-a Quickly tell me so mush.

HOST, [to Page]  What say you to young Master Fenton?
He capers, he dances, he has eyes of youth, he
writes verses, he speaks holiday, he smells April
and May. He will carry 't, he will carry 't. 'Tis in his
buttons he will carry 't.

PAGE  Not by my consent, I promise you. The gentleman
is of no having. He kept company with the
wild Prince and Poins. He is of too high a region;
he knows too much. No, he shall not knit a knot in
his fortunes with the finger of my substance. If he
take her, let him take her simply. The wealth I have
waits on my consent, and my consent goes not that
way.

FORD  I beseech you heartily, some of you go home
with me to dinner. Besides your cheer, you shall
have sport: I will show you a monster. Master Doctor,
you shall go.--So shall you, Master Page.--
And you, Sir Hugh.

SHALLOW  Well, fare you well. We shall have the freer
wooing at Master Page's.
[Shallow and Slender exit.]

DOCTOR CAIUS  Go home, John Rugby. I come anon.
[Rugby exits.]

HOST  Farewell, my hearts. I will to my honest knight
Falstaff, and drink canary with him.	[He exits.]

FORD, [aside]  I think I shall drink in pipe-wine first
with him; I'll make him dance.--Will you go,
gentles?

PAGE, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH  Have with you to
see this monster.
[They exit.]

Scene 3
=======
[Enter Mistress Ford and Mistress Page.]


MISTRESS FORD  What, John! What, Robert!

MISTRESS PAGE  Quickly, quickly! Is the buck-basket--

MISTRESS FORD  I warrant.--What, Robert, I say!

[Enter John and Robert with a large buck-basket.]


MISTRESS PAGE  Come, come, come.

MISTRESS FORD  Here, set it down.

MISTRESS PAGE  Give your men the charge. We must be
brief.

MISTRESS FORD  Marry, as I told you before, John and
Robert, be ready here hard by in the brewhouse,
and when I suddenly call you, come forth, and
without any pause or staggering take this basket
on your shoulders. That done, trudge with it in all
haste, and carry it among the whitsters in Datchet
Mead, and there empty it in the muddy ditch close
by the Thames side.

MISTRESS PAGE  You will do it?

MISTRESS FORD  I ha' told them over and over. They lack
no direction.--Be gone, and come when you are
called.	[John and Robert exit.]

MISTRESS PAGE  Here comes little Robin.

[Enter Robin.]


MISTRESS FORD  How now, my eyas-musket? What news
with you?

ROBIN  My master, Sir John, is come in at your back
door, Mistress Ford, and requests your company.

MISTRESS PAGE  You little Jack-a-Lent, have you been
true to us?

ROBIN  Ay, I'll be sworn. My master knows not of your
being here and hath threatened to put me into
everlasting liberty if I tell you of it, for he swears
he'll turn me away.

MISTRESS PAGE  Thou 'rt a good boy. This secrecy of
thine shall be a tailor to thee and shall make thee a
new doublet and hose.--I'll go hide me.

MISTRESS FORD  Do so.--Go tell thy master I am alone.
[(Robin exits.)] Mistress Page, remember you your
cue.

MISTRESS PAGE  I warrant thee. If I do not act it, hiss
me.	[She exits.]

MISTRESS FORD  Go to, then. We'll use this unwholesome
humidity, this gross-wat'ry pumpion. We'll
teach him to know turtles from jays.

[Enter Sir John Falstaff.]


FALSTAFF  "Have I caught thee, my heavenly jewel?"
Why, now let me die, for I have lived long enough.
This is the period of my ambition. O, this blessed
hour!

MISTRESS FORD  O, sweet Sir John!

FALSTAFF  Mistress Ford, I cannot cog. I cannot prate,
Mistress Ford. Now shall I sin in my wish: I would
thy husband were dead. I'll speak it before the best
lord: I would make thee my lady.

MISTRESS FORD  I your lady, Sir John? Alas, I should be
a pitiful lady.

FALSTAFF  Let the court of France show me such
another. I see how thine eye would emulate the
diamond. Thou hast the right arched beauty of the
brow that becomes the ship-tire, the tire-valiant,
or any tire of Venetian admittance.

MISTRESS FORD  A plain kerchief, Sir John. My brows
become nothing else, nor that well neither.

FALSTAFF  Thou art a tyrant to say so. Thou wouldst
make an absolute courtier, and the firm fixture of
thy foot would give an excellent motion to thy gait
in a semicircled farthingale. I see what thou wert,
if Fortune thy foe were not, Nature thy friend.
Come, thou canst not hide it.

MISTRESS FORD  Believe me, there's no such thing in
me.

FALSTAFF  What made me love thee? Let that persuade
thee. There's something extraordinary in thee.
Come, I cannot cog and say thou art this and that
like a many of these lisping hawthorn buds that
come like women in men's apparel and smell like
Bucklersbury in simple time. I cannot. But I love
thee, none but thee; and thou deserv'st it.

MISTRESS FORD  Do not betray me, sir. I fear you love
Mistress Page.

FALSTAFF  Thou mightst as well say I love to walk by
the Counter gate, which is as hateful to me as the
reek of a lime-kiln.

MISTRESS FORD  Well, heaven knows how I love you,
and you shall one day find it.

FALSTAFF  Keep in that mind. I'll deserve it.

MISTRESS FORD  Nay, I must tell you, so you do, or else
I could not be in that mind.

[Enter Robin.]


ROBIN  Mistress Ford, Mistress Ford! Here's Mistress
Page at the door, sweating and blowing and looking
wildly, and would needs speak with you
presently.

FALSTAFF  She shall not see me. I will ensconce me behind
the arras.

MISTRESS FORD  Pray you, do so. She's a very tattling
woman.	[Falstaff stands behind the arras.]

[Enter Mistress Page.]

What's the matter? How now?

MISTRESS PAGE  O Mistress Ford, what have you done?
You're shamed, you're overthrown, you're undone
forever!

MISTRESS FORD  What's the matter, good Mistress Page?

MISTRESS PAGE  O well-a-day, Mistress Ford, having an
honest man to your husband, to give him such
cause of suspicion!

MISTRESS FORD  What cause of suspicion?

MISTRESS PAGE  What cause of suspicion? Out upon you!
How am I mistook in you!

MISTRESS FORD  Why, alas, what's the matter?

MISTRESS PAGE  Your husband's coming hither, woman,
with all the officers in Windsor, to search for a gentleman
that he says is here now in the house, by
your consent, to take an ill advantage of his absence.
You are undone.

MISTRESS FORD  'Tis not so, I hope.

MISTRESS PAGE  Pray heaven it be not so, that you have
such a man here! But 'tis most certain your husband's
coming, with half Windsor at his heels, to
search for such a one. I come before to tell you. If
you know yourself clear, why, I am glad of it. But if
you have a friend here, convey, convey him out. Be
not amazed! Call all your senses to you; defend
your reputation, or bid farewell to your good life
forever.

MISTRESS FORD  What shall I do? There is a gentleman,
my dear friend; and I fear not mine own shame so
much as his peril. I had rather than a thousand
pound he were out of the house.

MISTRESS PAGE  For shame! Never stand "you had
rather" and "you had rather." Your husband's here
at hand. Bethink you of some conveyance. In the
house you cannot hide him. O, how have you deceived
me! Look, here is a basket. If he be of any
reasonable stature, he may creep in here; and
throw foul linen upon him, as if it were going to
bucking. Or--it is whiting time--send him by your
two men to Datchet Mead.

MISTRESS FORD  He's too big to go in there. What shall I
do?	[Falstaff comes forward.]

FALSTAFF  Let me see 't, let me see 't! O, let me see 't! I'll
in, I'll in. Follow your friend's counsel. I'll in.

MISTRESS PAGE  What, Sir John Falstaff? [(Aside to
him.)] Are these your letters, knight?

FALSTAFF, [aside to Mistress Page]  I love thee. Help me
away. Let me creep in here. I'll never--

[Falstaff goes into the basket; they cover
him with dirty clothes.]



MISTRESS PAGE, [to Robin]  Help to cover your master,
boy.--Call your men, Mistress Ford.--You dissembling
knight!	[Robin exits.]

MISTRESS FORD  What, John! Robert! John!

[Enter Robert and John.]

Go, take up these clothes here quickly. Where's the
cowlstaff? Look how you drumble! Carry them to
the laundress in Datchet Mead. Quickly! Come.

[Enter Ford, Page, Doctor Caius,
and Sir Hugh Evans.]


FORD  Pray you, come near. If I suspect without cause,
why then make sport at me. Then let me be your
jest; I deserve it.--How now? Whither bear you
this?

ROBERT and JOHN  To the laundress, forsooth.

MISTRESS FORD  Why, what have you to do whither they
bear it? You were best meddle with buck-washing!

FORD  Buck? I would I could wash myself of the buck.
Buck, buck, buck! Ay, buck! I warrant you, buck,
and of the season too, it shall appear.
[Robert and John exit with the buck-basket.]
Gentlemen, I have dreamed tonight; I'll tell you my
dream. Here, here, here be my keys. Ascend my
chambers. Search, seek, find out. I'll warrant we'll
unkennel the fox. Let me stop this way first. [(He
locks the door.)] So, now uncape.

PAGE  Good Master Ford, be contented. You wrong
yourself too much.

FORD  True, Master Page.--Up, gentlemen. You shall
see sport anon. Follow me, gentlemen.	[He exits.]

SIR HUGH  This is fery fantastical humors and
jealousies.

DOCTOR CAIUS  By gar, 'tis no the fashion of France. It is
not jealous in France.

PAGE  Nay, follow him, gentlemen. See the issue of his
search.	[Page, Sir Hugh, and Caius exit.]

MISTRESS PAGE  Is there not a double excellency in this?

MISTRESS FORD  I know not which pleases me better--
that my husband is deceived, or Sir John.

MISTRESS PAGE  What a taking was he in when your
husband asked who was in the basket!

MISTRESS FORD  I am half afraid he will have need of
washing, so throwing him into the water will do
him a benefit.

MISTRESS PAGE  Hang him, dishonest rascal! I would all
of the same strain were in the same distress.

MISTRESS FORD  I think my husband hath some special
suspicion of Falstaff's being here, for I never saw
him so gross in his jealousy till now.

MISTRESS PAGE  I will lay a plot to try that, and we will
yet have more tricks with Falstaff. His dissolute
disease will scarce obey this medicine.

MISTRESS FORD  Shall we send that foolish carrion Mistress
Quickly to him, and excuse his throwing into
the water, and give him another hope, to betray
him to another punishment?

MISTRESS PAGE  We will do it. Let him be sent for tomorrow
eight o'clock to have amends.

[Enter Ford, Page, Doctor Caius, and Sir Hugh.]


FORD  I cannot find him. Maybe the knave bragged of
that he could not compass.

MISTRESS PAGE, [aside to Mistress Ford]  Heard you
that?

MISTRESS FORD  You use me well, Master Ford, do you?

FORD  Ay, I do so.

MISTRESS FORD  Heaven make you better than your
thoughts!

FORD  Amen!

MISTRESS PAGE  You do yourself mighty wrong, Master
Ford.

FORD  Ay, ay. I must bear it.

SIR HUGH  If there be anypody in the house, and in the
chambers, and in the coffers, and in the presses,
heaven forgive my sins at the day of judgment!

DOCTOR CAIUS  Be gar, nor I too. There is nobodies.

PAGE  Fie, fie, Master Ford, are you not ashamed?
What spirit, what devil suggests this imagination?
I would not ha' your distemper in this kind for the
wealth of Windsor Castle.

FORD  'Tis my fault, Master Page. I suffer for it.

SIR HUGH  You suffer for a pad conscience. Your wife is
as honest a 'omans as I will desires among five
thousand, and five hundred too.

DOCTOR CAIUS  By gar, I see 'tis an honest woman.

FORD  Well, I promised you a dinner. Come, come,
walk in the park. I pray you, pardon me. I will
hereafter make known to you why I have done
this.--Come, wife--come, Mistress Page, I pray
you, pardon me. Pray, heartily, pardon me.
[Mistress Page and Mistress Ford exit.]

PAGE, [to Caius and Sir Hugh]  Let's go in, gentlemen.
But, trust me, we'll mock him. [(To Ford, Caius,
and Sir Hugh.)] I do invite you tomorrow morning
to my house to breakfast. After, we'll a-birding together;
I have a fine hawk for the bush. Shall it be
so?

FORD  Anything.

SIR HUGH  If there is one, I shall make two in the
company.

DOCTOR CAIUS  If there be one or two, I shall make-a the
turd.

FORD  Pray you, go, Master Page.
[Ford and Page exit.]

SIR HUGH  I pray you now, remembrance tomorrow on
the lousy knave mine Host.

DOCTOR CAIUS  Dat is good, by gar, with all my heart.

SIR HUGH  A lousy knave, to have his gibes and his
mockeries!
[They exit.]

Scene 4
=======
[Enter Fenton and Anne Page.]


FENTON
I see I cannot get thy father's love;
Therefore no more turn me to him, sweet Nan.

ANNE
Alas, how then?

FENTON  Why, thou must be thyself.
He doth object I am too great of birth,
And that, my state being galled with my expense,
I seek to heal it only by his wealth.
Besides these, other bars he lays before me--
My riots past, my wild societies--
And tells me 'tis a thing impossible
I should love thee but as a property.

ANNE  Maybe he tells you true.

FENTON
No, heaven so speed me in my time to come!
Albeit I will confess thy father's wealth
Was the first motive that I wooed thee, Anne,
Yet, wooing thee, I found thee of more value
Than stamps in gold or sums in sealed bags.
And 'tis the very riches of thyself
That now I aim at.

ANNE  Gentle Master Fenton,
Yet seek my father's love, still seek it, sir.
If opportunity and humblest suit
Cannot attain it, why then--hark you hither.
[They talk aside.]

[Enter Shallow, Slender, and Mistress Quickly.]


SHALLOW  Break their talk, Mistress Quickly. My kinsman
shall speak for himself.

SLENDER  I'll make a shaft or a bolt on 't. 'Slid, 'tis but
venturing.

SHALLOW  Be not dismayed.

SLENDER  No, she shall not dismay me. I care not for
that, but that I am afeard.

MISTRESS QUICKLY, [to Anne]  Hark ye, Master Slender
would speak a word with you.

ANNE
I come to him. [(Aside.)] This is my father's choice.
O, what a world of vile ill-favored faults
Looks handsome in three hundred pounds a year!

MISTRESS QUICKLY  And how does good Master Fenton?
Pray you, a word with you.	[They talk aside.]

SHALLOW, [to Slender]  She's coming. To her, coz! O
boy, thou hadst a father!

SLENDER  I had a father, Mistress Anne; my uncle can
tell you good jests of him.--Pray you, uncle, tell
Mistress Anne the jest how my father stole two
geese out of a pen, good uncle.

SHALLOW  Mistress Anne, my cousin loves you.

SLENDER  Ay, that I do, as well as I love any woman in
Gloucestershire.

SHALLOW  He will maintain you like a gentlewoman.

SLENDER  Ay, that I will, come cut and longtail, under
the degree of a squire.

SHALLOW  He will make you a hundred and fifty
pounds jointure.

ANNE  Good Master Shallow, let him woo for himself.

SHALLOW  Marry, I thank you for it. I thank you for that
good comfort.--She calls you, coz. I'll leave you.
[He steps aside.]

ANNE  Now, Master Slender.

SLENDER  Now, good Mistress Anne.

ANNE  What is your will?

SLENDER  My will? 'Od's heartlings, that's a pretty jest
indeed! I ne'er made my will yet, I thank heaven. I
am not such a sickly creature, I give heaven praise.

ANNE  I mean, Master Slender, what would you with
me?

SLENDER  Truly, for mine own part, I would little or
nothing with you. Your father and my uncle hath
made motions. If it be my luck, so; if not, happy
man be his dole. They can tell you how things go
better than I can. You may ask your father.

[Enter Page and Mistress Page.]

Here he comes.

PAGE
Now, Master Slender.--Love him, daughter Anne.--
Why, how now? What does Master Fenton here?
You wrong me, sir, thus still to haunt my house.
I told you, sir, my daughter is disposed of.

FENTON
Nay, Master Page, be not impatient.

MISTRESS PAGE
Good Master Fenton, come not to my child.

PAGE  She is no match for you.

FENTON  Sir, will you hear me?

PAGE  No, good Master Fenton.--
Come Master Shallow.--Come, son Slender, in.--
Knowing my mind, you wrong me, Master Fenton.
[Page, Shallow, and Slender exit.]

MISTRESS QUICKLY, [to Fenton]  Speak to Mistress Page.

FENTON
Good Mistress Page, for that I love your daughter
In such a righteous fashion as I do,
Perforce, against all checks, rebukes, and manners,
I must advance the colors of my love
And not retire. Let me have your good will.

ANNE
Good mother, do not marry me to yond fool.

MISTRESS PAGE
I mean it not; I seek you a better husband.

MISTRESS QUICKLY  That's my master, Master Doctor.

ANNE
Alas, I had rather be set quick i' th' earth
And bowled to death with turnips!

MISTRESS PAGE
Come, trouble not yourself.--Good Master Fenton,
I will not be your friend nor enemy.
My daughter will I question how she loves you,
And as I find her, so am I affected.
Till then, farewell, sir. She must needs go in;
Her father will be angry.

FENTON
Farewell, gentle mistress.--Farewell, Nan.
[Mistress Page and Anne Page exit.]

MISTRESS QUICKLY  This is my doing now. "Nay," said I,
"will you cast away your child on a fool and a
physician? Look on Master Fenton." This is my
doing.

FENTON
I thank thee; and I pray thee, once tonight
Give my sweet Nan this ring. There's for thy pains.
[He gives her money and a ring.]

MISTRESS QUICKLY  Now heaven send thee good fortune.
[Fenton exits.]
A kind heart he hath. A woman would run through
fire and water for such a kind heart. But yet I
would my master had Mistress Anne, or I would
Master Slender had her, or, in sooth, I would Master
Fenton had her. I will do what I can for them all
three; for so I have promised and I'll be as good as
my word--but speciously for Master Fenton. Well,
I must of another errand to Sir John Falstaff from
my two mistresses. What a beast am I to slack it!
[She exits.]

Scene 5
=======
[Enter Sir John Falstaff.]


FALSTAFF  Bardolph, I say!

[Enter Bardolph.]


BARDOLPH  Here, sir.

FALSTAFF  Go fetch me a quart of sack; put a toast in 't.
[Bardolph exits.]
Have I lived to be carried in a basket like a barrow
of butcher's offal, and to be thrown in the Thames?
Well, if I be served such another trick, I'll have my
brains ta'en out and buttered, and give them to a
dog for a New Year's gift. 'Sblood, the rogues
slighted me into the river with as little remorse as
they would have drowned a blind bitch's puppies,
fifteen i' th' litter! And you may know by my size
that I have a kind of alacrity in sinking; if the bottom
were as deep as hell, I should down. I had
been drowned, but that the shore was shelvy and
shallow--a death that I abhor, for the water swells
a man, and what a thing should I have been when
I had been swelled! By the Lord, I should have
been a mountain of mummy.

[Enter Bardolph with cups of sack.]


BARDOLPH  Here's Mistress Quickly, sir, to speak with
you.

FALSTAFF  Come, let me pour in some sack to the
Thames water, for my belly's as cold as if I had
swallowed snowballs for pills to cool the reins. [He
drinks.] Call her in.

BARDOLPH  Come in, woman.

[Enter Mistress Quickly.]


MISTRESS QUICKLY  By your leave, I cry you mercy. Give
your Worship good morrow.

FALSTAFF, [to Bardolph]  Take away these chalices. Go
brew me a pottle of sack finely.

BARDOLPH  With eggs, sir?

FALSTAFF  Simple of itself. I'll no pullet sperm in my
brewage.	[Bardolph exits.]
How now?

MISTRESS QUICKLY  Marry, sir, I come to your Worship
from Mistress Ford.

FALSTAFF  Mistress Ford? I have had ford enough. I
was thrown into the ford, I have my belly full of
ford.

MISTRESS QUICKLY  Alas the day, good heart, that was
not her fault. She does so take on with her men;
they mistook their erection.

FALSTAFF  So did I mine, to build upon a foolish
woman's promise.

MISTRESS QUICKLY  Well, she laments, sir, for it, that it
would yearn your heart to see it. Her husband goes
this morning a-birding; she desires you once more
to come to her, between eight and nine. I must
carry her word quickly. She'll make you amends, I
warrant you.

FALSTAFF  Well, I will visit her. Tell her so. And bid her
think what a man is. Let her consider his frailty,
and then judge of my merit.

MISTRESS QUICKLY  I will tell her.

FALSTAFF  Do so. Between nine and ten, say'st thou?

MISTRESS QUICKLY  Eight and nine, sir.

FALSTAFF  Well, be gone. I will not miss her.

MISTRESS QUICKLY  Peace be with you, sir.
[Mistress Quickly exits.]

FALSTAFF  I marvel I hear not of Master Brook. He
sent me word to stay within. I like his money well.

[Enter Ford disguised as Brook.]

O, here he comes.

FORD, [as Brook]  God bless you, sir.

FALSTAFF  Now, Master Brook, you come to know
what hath passed between me and Ford's wife.

FORD, [as Brook]  That indeed, Sir John, is my
business.

FALSTAFF  Master Brook, I will not lie to you. I was at
her house the hour she appointed me.

FORD, [as Brook]  And sped you, sir?

FALSTAFF  Very ill-favoredly, Master Brook.

FORD, [as Brook]  How so, sir? Did she change her
determination?

FALSTAFF  No, Master Brook, but the peaking cornuto
her husband, Master Brook, dwelling in a continual
'larum of jealousy, comes me in the instant of
our encounter, after we had embraced, kissed,
protested, and, as it were, spoke the prologue of
our comedy, and, at his heels, a rabble of his companions,
thither provoked and instigated by his
distemper, and, forsooth, to search his house for
his wife's love.

FORD, [as Brook]  What, while you were there?

FALSTAFF  While I was there.

FORD, [as Brook]  And did he search for you and could
not find you?

FALSTAFF  You shall hear. As good luck would have it,
comes in one Mistress Page, gives intelligence of
Ford's approach, and, in her invention and Ford's
wife's distraction, they conveyed me into a
buck-basket.

FORD, [as Brook]  A buck-basket!

FALSTAFF  By the Lord, a buck-basket! Rammed me
in with foul shirts and smocks, socks, foul stockings,
greasy napkins, that, Master Brook, there
was the rankest compound of villainous smell that
ever offended nostril.

FORD, [as Brook]  And how long lay you there?

FALSTAFF  Nay, you shall hear, Master Brook, what I
have suffered to bring this woman to evil for your
good. Being thus crammed in the basket, a couple
of Ford's knaves, his hinds, were called forth by
their mistress to carry me in the name of foul
clothes to Datchet Lane. They took me on their
shoulders, met the jealous knave their master in
the door, who asked them once or twice what they
had in their basket. I quaked for fear lest the lunatic
knave would have searched it, but fate, ordaining
he should be a cuckold, held his hand.
Well, on went he for a search, and away went I for
foul clothes. But mark the sequel, Master Brook.
I suffered the pangs of three several deaths: first,
an intolerable fright to be detected with a jealous
rotten bellwether; next, to be compassed, like a
good bilbo, in the circumference of a peck, hilt to
point, heel to head; and then, to be stopped in, like
a strong distillation, with stinking clothes that fretted
in their own grease. Think of that, a man of my
kidney--think of that--that am as subject to heat
as butter; a man of continual dissolution and thaw.
It was a miracle to 'scape suffocation. And in
the height of this bath, when I was more than half-stewed
in grease, like a Dutch dish, to be thrown
into the Thames and cooled, glowing hot, in that
surge, like a horseshoe! Think of that--hissing
hot--think of that, Master Brook.

FORD, [as Brook]  In good sadness, sir, I am sorry that
for my sake you have suffered all this. My suit,
then, is desperate. You'll undertake her no more?

FALSTAFF  Master Brook, I will be thrown into Etna,
as I have been into Thames, ere I will leave her
thus. Her husband is this morning gone a-birding.
I have received from her another embassy of meeting.
'Twixt eight and nine is the hour, Master
Brook.

FORD, [as Brook]  'Tis past eight already, sir.

FALSTAFF  Is it? I will then address me to my appointment.
Come to me at your convenient leisure,
and you shall know how I speed; and the conclusion
shall be crowned with your enjoying her.
Adieu. You shall have her, Master Brook. Master
Brook, you shall cuckold Ford.	[Falstaff exits.]

FORD  Hum! Ha! Is this a vision? Is this a dream? Do I
sleep? Master Ford, awake! Awake, Master Ford!
There's a hole made in your best coat, Master
Ford. This 'tis to be married; this 'tis to have linen
and buck-baskets! Well, I will proclaim myself
what I am. I will now take the lecher. He is at my
house. He cannot 'scape me. 'Tis impossible he
should. He cannot creep into a half-penny purse,
nor into a pepper-box. But lest the devil that
guides him should aid him, I will search impossible
places. Though what I am I cannot avoid, yet to
be what I would not shall not make me tame. If I
have horns to make one mad, let the proverb go
with me: I'll be horn-mad.
[He exits.]


ACT 4
=====

Scene 1
=======
[Enter Mistress Page, Mistress Quickly, and William.]


MISTRESS PAGE  Is he at Master Ford's already, think'st
thou?

MISTRESS QUICKLY  Sure he is by this, or will be presently.
But truly he is very courageous mad about
his throwing into the water. Mistress Ford desires
you to come suddenly.

MISTRESS PAGE  I'll be with her by and by. I'll but bring
my young man here to school.

[Enter Sir Hugh Evans.]

Look where his master comes. 'Tis a playing day, I
see.--How now, Sir Hugh, no school today?

SIR HUGH  No. Master Slender is let the boys leave to
play.

MISTRESS QUICKLY  Blessing of his heart!

MISTRESS PAGE  Sir Hugh, my husband says my son
profits nothing in the world at his book. I pray you,
ask him some questions in his accidence.

SIR HUGH  Come hither, William. Hold up your head.
Come.

MISTRESS PAGE  Come on, sirrah. Hold up your head.
Answer your master. Be not afraid.

SIR HUGH  William, how many numbers is in nouns?

WILLIAM  Two.

MISTRESS QUICKLY  Truly, I thought there had been one
number more, because they say " 'Od's nouns."

SIR HUGH  Peace your tattlings!--What is "fair,"
William?

WILLIAM  Pulcher.

MISTRESS QUICKLY  Polecats? There are fairer things
than polecats, sure.

SIR HUGH  You are a very simplicity 'oman. I pray you,
peace.--What is lapis, William?

WILLIAM  A stone.

SIR HUGH  And what is "a stone," William?

WILLIAM  A pebble.

SIR HUGH  No. It is lapis. I pray you, remember in your
prain.

WILLIAM  Lapis.

SIR HUGH  That is a good William. What is he, William,
that does lend articles?

WILLIAM  Articles are borrowed of the pronoun and be
thus declined: singulariter, nominativo, hic, haec,
hoc.

SIR HUGH  Nominativo, hig, haeg, hog. Pray you, mark:
genitivo, huius. Well, what is your accusative case?

WILLIAM  Accusativo, hinc.

SIR HUGH  I pray you, have your remembrance, child.
Accusativo, hung, hang, hog.

MISTRESS QUICKLY  "Hang-hog" is Latin for bacon, I
warrant you.

SIR HUGH  Leave your prabbles, 'oman.--What is the
focative case, William?

WILLIAM  O--vocativo--O--

SIR HUGH  Remember, William, focative is caret.

MISTRESS QUICKLY  And that's a good root.

SIR HUGH  'Oman, forbear.

MISTRESS PAGE, [to Mistress Quickly]  Peace!

SIR HUGH  What is your genitive case plural, William?

WILLIAM  Genitive case?

SIR HUGH  Ay.

WILLIAM  Genitive: horum, harum, horum.

MISTRESS QUICKLY  Vengeance of Ginny's case! Fie on
her! Never name her, child, if she be a whore.

SIR HUGH  For shame, 'oman!

MISTRESS QUICKLY  You do ill to teach the child such
words.--He teaches him to hick and to hack,
which they'll do fast enough of themselves, and to
call "whorum."--Fie upon you!

SIR HUGH  'Oman, art thou lunatics? Hast thou no understandings
for thy cases and the numbers of the
genders? Thou art as foolish Christian creatures as
I would desires.

MISTRESS PAGE, [to Mistress Quickly]  Prithee, hold thy
peace.

SIR HUGH  Show me now, William, some declensions of
your pronouns.

WILLIAM  Forsooth, I have forgot.

SIR HUGH  It is qui, quae, quod. If you forget your qui's,
your quae's, and your quod's, you must be
preeches. Go your ways and play, go.

MISTRESS PAGE  He is a better scholar than I thought he
was.

SIR HUGH  He is a good sprag memory. Farewell, Mistress
Page.

MISTRESS PAGE  Adieu, good Sir Hugh.--Get you home,
boy. [(To Mistress Quickly.)] Come. We stay too
long.
[They exit.]

Scene 2
=======
[Enter Sir John Falstaff and Mistress Ford.]


FALSTAFF  Mistress Ford, your sorrow hath eaten up
my sufferance. I see you are obsequious in your
love, and I profess requital to a hair's breadth, not
only, Mistress Ford, in the simple office of love,
but in all the accoutrement, compliment, and ceremony
of it. But are you sure of your husband now?

MISTRESS FORD  He's a-birding, sweet Sir John.

MISTRESS PAGE, [within]  What ho, gossip Ford! What
ho!

MISTRESS FORD  Step into th' chamber, Sir John.
[Falstaff exits.]

[Enter Mistress Page.]


MISTRESS PAGE  How now, sweetheart, who's at home
besides yourself?

MISTRESS FORD  Why, none but mine own people.

MISTRESS PAGE  Indeed?

MISTRESS FORD  No, certainly. [Aside to her.] Speak
louder.

MISTRESS PAGE  Truly, I am so glad you have nobody
here.

MISTRESS FORD  Why?

MISTRESS PAGE  Why, woman, your husband is in his
old lunes again. He so takes on yonder with my
husband, so rails against all married mankind, so
curses all Eve's daughters of what complexion soever,
and so buffets himself on the forehead, crying
"Peer out, peer out!" that any madness I ever yet
beheld seemed but tameness, civility, and patience
to this his distemper he is in now. I am glad the fat
knight is not here.

MISTRESS FORD  Why, does he talk of him?

MISTRESS PAGE  Of none but him, and swears he was
carried out, the last time he searched for him, in a
basket; protests to my husband he is now here;
and hath drawn him and the rest of their company
from their sport to make another experiment of
his suspicion. But I am glad the knight is not here.
Now he shall see his own foolery.

MISTRESS FORD  How near is he, Mistress Page?

MISTRESS PAGE  Hard by, at street end. He will be here
anon.

MISTRESS FORD  I am undone! The knight is here.

MISTRESS PAGE  Why then, you are utterly shamed, and
he's but a dead man. What a woman are you! Away
with him, away with him! Better shame than
murder.

MISTRESS FORD  Which way should he go? How should
I bestow him? Shall I put him into the basket
again?

[Enter Sir John Falstaff.]


FALSTAFF  No, I'll come no more i' th' basket. May I not
go out ere he come?

MISTRESS PAGE  Alas, three of Master Ford's brothers
watch the door with pistols, that none shall issue
out. Otherwise you might slip away ere he came.
But what make you here?

FALSTAFF  What shall I do? I'll creep up into the
chimney.

MISTRESS FORD  There they always use to discharge
their birding pieces.

MISTRESS PAGE  Creep into the kiln-hole.

FALSTAFF  Where is it?

MISTRESS FORD  He will seek there, on my word. Neither
press, coffer, chest, trunk, well, vault, but he
hath an abstract for the remembrance of such
places, and goes to them by his note. There is no
hiding you in the house.

FALSTAFF  I'll go out, then.

MISTRESS PAGE  If you go out in your own semblance,
you die, Sir John--unless you go out disguised.

MISTRESS FORD  How might we disguise him?

MISTRESS PAGE  Alas the day, I know not. There is no
woman's gown big enough for him; otherwise he
might put on a hat, a muffler, and a kerchief, and
so escape.

FALSTAFF  Good hearts, devise something. Any extremity
rather than a mischief.

MISTRESS FORD  My maid's aunt, the fat woman of
Brentford, has a gown above.

MISTRESS PAGE  On my word, it will serve him. She's as
big as he is. And there's her thrummed hat and her
muffler too.--Run up, Sir John.

MISTRESS FORD  Go, go, sweet Sir John. Mistress Page
and I will look some linen for your head.

MISTRESS PAGE  Quick, quick! We'll come dress you
straight. Put on the gown the while.
[Falstaff exits.]

MISTRESS FORD  I would my husband would meet him
in this shape. He cannot abide the old woman of
Brentford. He swears she's a witch, forbade her my
house, and hath threatened to beat her.

MISTRESS PAGE  Heaven guide him to thy husband's
cudgel, and the devil guide his cudgel afterwards!

MISTRESS FORD  But is my husband coming?

MISTRESS PAGE  Ay, in good sadness is he, and talks of
the basket too, howsoever he hath had
intelligence.

MISTRESS FORD  We'll try that; for I'll appoint my men
to carry the basket again, to meet him at the door
with it as they did last time.

MISTRESS PAGE  Nay, but he'll be here presently. Let's go
dress him like the witch of Brentford.

MISTRESS FORD  I'll first direct my men what they shall
do with the basket. Go up. I'll bring linen for him
straight.	[She exits.]

MISTRESS PAGE  Hang him, dishonest varlet! We cannot
misuse him enough.
We'll leave a proof, by that which we will do,
Wives may be merry and yet honest too.
We do not act that often jest and laugh;
'Tis old but true: "Still swine eats all the draff."
[She exits.]

[Enter Mistress Ford with Robert and John,
who bring the buck-basket.]


MISTRESS FORD  Go, sirs, take the basket again on your
shoulders. Your master is hard at door. If he bid
you set it down, obey him. Quickly, dispatch.
[She exits.]

ROBERT  Come, come, take it up.

JOHN  Pray heaven it be not full of knight again.

ROBERT  I hope not. I had lief as bear so much lead.
[They pick up the basket.]

[Enter Ford, Page, Doctor Caius, Sir Hugh
Evans, and Shallow.]


FORD  Ay, but if it prove true, Master Page, have you
any way then to unfool me again?--Set down the
basket, villain. [They put the basket down.] Somebody
call my wife. Youth in a basket! O, you panderly
rascals! There's a knot, a gang, a pack, a
conspiracy against me. Now shall the devil be
shamed.--What, wife, I say! Come, come forth!
Behold what honest clothes you send forth to
bleaching!

PAGE  Why, this passes, Master Ford! You are not to go
loose any longer; you must be pinioned.

SIR HUGH  Why, this is lunatics. This is mad as a mad
dog.

SHALLOW  Indeed, Master Ford, this is not well, indeed.

FORD  So say I too, sir.

[Enter Mistress Ford.]

Come hither, Mistress Ford.--Mistress Ford, the
honest woman, the modest wife, the virtuous creature,
that hath the jealous fool to her husband!--I
suspect without cause, mistress, do I?

MISTRESS FORD  Heaven be my witness you do, if you
suspect me in any dishonesty.

FORD  Well said, brazen-face. Hold it out.--Come
forth, sirrah.	[He pulls clothes out of the basket.]

PAGE  This passes.

MISTRESS FORD  Are you not ashamed? Let the clothes
alone.

FORD  I shall find you anon.

SIR HUGH  'Tis unreasonable. Will you take up your
wife's clothes? Come, away.

FORD, [to the Servants]  Empty the basket, I say.

MISTRESS FORD  Why, man, why?

FORD  Master Page, as I am a man, there was one conveyed
out of my house yesterday in this basket.
Why may not he be there again? In my house I am
sure he is. My intelligence is true, my jealousy is
reasonable.--Pluck me out all the linen.

MISTRESS FORD  If you find a man there, he shall die a
flea's death.	[Robert and John empty the basket.]

PAGE  Here's no man.

SHALLOW  By my fidelity, this is not well, Master Ford.
This wrongs you.

SIR HUGH  Master Ford, you must pray, and not follow
the imaginations of your own heart. This is
jealousies.

FORD  Well, he's not here I seek for.

PAGE  No, nor nowhere else but in your brain.

FORD  Help to search my house this one time. If I find
not what I seek, show no color for my extremity.
Let me forever be your table-sport. Let them say of
me "As jealous as Ford, that searched a hollow
walnut for his wife's leman." Satisfy me once
more. Once more search with me.
[Robert and John refill the basket and carry it off.]

MISTRESS FORD, [calling offstage]  What ho, Mistress
Page! Come you and the old woman down. My
husband will come into the chamber.

FORD  "Old woman"? What old woman's that?

MISTRESS FORD  Why, it is my maid's aunt of Brentford.

FORD  A witch, a quean, an old cozening quean! Have
I not forbid her my house? She comes of errands,
does she? We are simple men; we do not know
what's brought to pass under the profession of
fortune-telling. She works by charms, by spells, by
th' figure, and such daubery as this is, beyond our
element. We know nothing.-- Come down, you
witch, you hag, you! Come down, I say!
[Ford seizes a cudgel.]

MISTRESS FORD  Nay, good sweet husband!--Good gentlemen,
let him not strike the old woman.

[Enter Mistress Page and Sir John Falstaff disguised
as an old woman.]


MISTRESS PAGE  Come, Mother Pratt; come, give me
your hand.

FORD  I'll pratt her. [(He beats Falstaff.)] Out of my
door, you witch, you rag, you baggage, you polecat,
you runnion! Out, out! I'll conjure you, I'll
fortune-tell you!	[Falstaff exits.]

MISTRESS PAGE  Are you not ashamed? I think you have
killed the poor woman.

MISTRESS FORD  Nay, he will do it.--'Tis a goodly credit
for you.

FORD  Hang her, witch!

SIR HUGH  By yea and no, I think the 'oman is a witch
indeed. I like not when a 'oman has a great peard.
I spy a great peard under her muffler.

FORD  Will you follow, gentlemen? I beseech you, follow.
See but the issue of my jealousy. If I cry out
thus upon no trail, never trust me when I open
again.

PAGE  Let's obey his humor a little further. Come,
gentlemen.
[Ford, Page, Caius, Sir Hugh, and Shallow exit.]

MISTRESS PAGE  Trust me, he beat him most pitifully.

MISTRESS FORD  Nay, by th' Mass, that he did not; he
beat him most unpitifully, methought.

MISTRESS PAGE  I'll have the cudgel hallowed and hung
o'er the altar. It hath done meritorious service.

MISTRESS FORD  What think you? May we, with the
warrant of womanhood and the witness of a good
conscience, pursue him with any further revenge?

MISTRESS PAGE  The spirit of wantonness is, sure,
scared out of him. If the devil have him not in fee
simple, with fine and recovery, he will never, I
think, in the way of waste, attempt us again.

MISTRESS FORD  Shall we tell our husbands how we
have served him?

MISTRESS PAGE  Yes, by all means--if it be but to scrape
the figures out of your husband's brains. If they
can find in their hearts the poor unvirtuous fat
knight shall be any further afflicted, we two will
still be the ministers.

MISTRESS FORD  I'll warrant they'll have him publicly
shamed, and methinks there would be no period to
the jest should he not be publicly shamed.

MISTRESS PAGE  Come, to the forge with it, then shape
it. I would not have things cool.
[They exit.]

Scene 3
=======
[Enter Host and Bardolph.]


BARDOLPH  Sir, the Germans desire to have three of
your horses. The Duke himself will be tomorrow at
court, and they are going to meet him.

HOST  What duke should that be comes so secretly? I
hear not of him in the court. Let me speak with the
gentlemen. They speak English?

BARDOLPH  Ay, sir. I'll call them to you.

HOST  They shall have my horses, but I'll make them
pay. I'll sauce them. They have had my house a
week at command; I have turned away my other
guests. They must come off. I'll sauce them. Come.
[They exit.]

Scene 4
=======
[Enter Page, Ford, Mistress Page, Mistress Ford, and
Sir Hugh Evans.]


SIR HUGH  'Tis one of the best discretions of a 'oman as
ever I did look upon.

PAGE  And did he send you both these letters at an
instant?

MISTRESS PAGE  Within a quarter of an hour.

FORD
Pardon me, wife. Henceforth do what thou wilt.
I rather will suspect the sun with cold
Than thee with wantonness. Now doth thy honor
stand,
In him that was of late an heretic,
As firm as faith.

PAGE  'Tis well, 'tis well. No more.
Be not as extreme in submission as in offense.
But let our plot go forward. Let our wives
Yet once again, to make us public sport,
Appoint a meeting with this old fat fellow,
Where we may take him and disgrace him for it.

FORD
There is no better way than that they spoke of.

PAGE  How, to send him word they'll meet him in the
park at midnight? Fie, fie, he'll never come.

SIR HUGH  You say he has been thrown in the rivers
and has been grievously peaten as an old 'oman.
Methinks there should be terrors in him, that he
should not come. Methinks his flesh is punished;
he shall have no desires.

PAGE  So think I too.

MISTRESS FORD
Devise but how you'll use him when he comes,
And let us two devise to bring him thither.

MISTRESS PAGE
There is an old tale goes that Herne the Hunter,
Sometime a keeper here in Windsor Forest,
Doth all the wintertime, at still midnight,
Walk round about an oak, with great ragged horns,
And there he blasts the tree, and takes the cattle,
And makes milch-kine yield blood, and shakes a
chain
In a most hideous and dreadful manner.
You have heard of such a spirit, and well you know
The superstitious idle-headed eld
Received and did deliver to our age
This tale of Herne the Hunter for a truth.

PAGE
Why, yet there want not many that do fear
In deep of night to walk by this Herne's oak.
But what of this?

MISTRESS FORD  Marry, this is our device,
That Falstaff at that oak shall meet with us.

PAGE
Well, let it not be doubted but he'll come.
And in this shape when you have brought him
thither,
What shall be done with him? What is your plot?

MISTRESS PAGE
That likewise have we thought upon, and thus:
Nan Page my daughter, and my little son,
And three or four more of their growth we'll dress
Like urchins, aufs, and fairies, green and white,
With rounds of waxen tapers on their heads
And rattles in their hands. Upon a sudden,
As Falstaff, she, and I are newly met,
Let them from forth a sawpit rush at once
With some diffused song. Upon their sight,
We two in great amazedness will fly.
Then let them all encircle him about,
And, fairy-like, to pinch the unclean knight,
And ask him why, that hour of fairy revel,
In their so sacred paths he dares to tread
In shape profane.

FORD  And till he tell the truth,
Let the supposed fairies pinch him sound
And burn him with their tapers.

MISTRESS PAGE  The truth being known,
We'll all present ourselves, dis-horn the spirit,
And mock him home to Windsor.

FORD  The children must
Be practiced well to this, or they'll ne'er do 't.

SIR HUGH  I will teach the children their behaviors, and
I will be like a jackanapes also, to burn the knight
with my taber.

FORD  That will be excellent. I'll go buy them vizards.

MISTRESS PAGE
My Nan shall be the queen of all the fairies,
Finely attired in a robe of white.

PAGE
That silk will I go buy. [(Aside.)] And in that time
Shall Master Slender steal my Nan away
And marry her at Eton.--Go, send to Falstaff
straight.

FORD
Nay, I'll to him again in name of Brook.
He'll tell me all his purpose. Sure he'll come.

MISTRESS PAGE
Fear not you that. Go get us properties
And tricking for our fairies.

SIR HUGH  Let us about it. It is admirable pleasures and
fery honest knaveries.
[Page, Ford, and Sir Hugh exit.]

MISTRESS PAGE  Go, Mistress Ford,
Send quickly to Sir John to know his mind.
[Mistress Ford exits.]
I'll to the doctor. He hath my good will,
And none but he, to marry with Nan Page.
That Slender, though well-landed, is an idiot,
And he my husband best of all affects.
The doctor is well-moneyed, and his friends
Potent at court. He, none but he, shall have her,
Though twenty thousand worthier come to crave her.
[She exits.]

Scene 5
=======
[Enter Host and Simple.]


HOST  What wouldst thou have, boor? What, thickskin?
Speak, breathe, discuss; brief, short, quick,
snap.

SIMPLE  Marry, sir, I come to speak with Sir John Falstaff
from Master Slender.

HOST  There's his chamber, his house, his castle, his
standing-bed and truckle-bed. 'Tis painted about
with the story of the Prodigal, fresh and new. Go,
knock and call. He'll speak like an Anthropophaginian
unto thee. Knock, I say.

SIMPLE  There's an old woman, a fat woman, gone up
into his chamber. I'll be so bold as stay, sir, till she
come down. I come to speak with her, indeed.

HOST  Ha? A fat woman? The knight may be robbed.
I'll call.--Bully knight! Bully Sir John! Speak from
thy lungs military. Art thou there? It is thine Host,
thine Ephesian, calls.

FALSTAFF, [within]  How now, mine Host?

HOST  Here's a Bohemian Tartar tarries the coming
down of thy fat woman. Let her descend, bully, let
her descend. My chambers are honorable. Fie! Privacy?
Fie!

[Enter Sir John Falstaff.]


FALSTAFF  There was, mine Host, an old fat woman
even now with me, but she's gone.

SIMPLE  Pray you, sir, was 't not the wise woman of
Brentford?

FALSTAFF  Ay, marry, was it, mussel-shell. What would
you with her?

SIMPLE  My master, sir, my Master Slender, sent to her,
seeing her go through the streets, to know, sir,
whether one Nym, sir, that beguiled him of a chain,
had the chain or no.

FALSTAFF  I spake with the old woman about it.

SIMPLE  And what says she, I pray, sir?

FALSTAFF  Marry, she says that the very same man that
beguiled Master Slender of his chain cozened him
of it.

SIMPLE  I would I could have spoken with the woman
herself. I had other things to have spoken with her
too from him.

FALSTAFF  What are they? Let us know.

HOST  Ay, come. Quick!

SIMPLE  I may not conceal them, sir.

HOST  Conceal them, or thou diest.

SIMPLE  Why, sir, they were nothing but about Mistress
Anne Page, to know if it were my master's fortune
to have her or no.

FALSTAFF  'Tis; 'tis his fortune.

SIMPLE  What, sir?

FALSTAFF  To have her or no. Go. Say the woman told
me so.

SIMPLE  May I be bold to say so, sir?

FALSTAFF  Ay, sir; like who more bold.

SIMPLE  I thank your Worship. I shall make my master
glad with these tidings.	[He exits.]

HOST  Thou art clerkly, thou art clerkly, Sir John. Was
there a wise woman with thee?

FALSTAFF  Ay, that there was, mine Host, one that hath
taught me more wit than ever I learned before in
my life. And I paid nothing for it neither, but was
paid for my learning.

[Enter Bardolph.]


BARDOLPH, [to Host]  Out, alas, sir, cozenage, mere
cozenage!

HOST  Where be my horses? Speak well of them,
varletto.

BARDOLPH  Run away with the cozeners. For so soon as
I came beyond Eton, they threw me off from behind
one of them in a slough of mire, and set
spurs, and away, like three German devils, three
Doctor Faustuses.

HOST  They are gone but to meet the Duke, villain. Do
not say they be fled. Germans are honest men.

[Enter Sir Hugh Evans.]


SIR HUGH  Where is mine Host?

HOST  What is the matter, sir?

SIR HUGH  Have a care of your entertainments. There is
a friend of mine come to town tells me there is
three cozen-Germans that has cozened all the
hosts of Readings, of Maidenhead, of Colnbrook,
of horses and money. I tell you for good will, look
you. You are wise, and full of gibes and vlouting-stocks,
and 'tis not convenient you should be cozened.
Fare you well.	[He exits.]

[Enter Doctor Caius.]


DOCTOR CAIUS  Vere is mine Host de Jarteer?

HOST  Here, Master Doctor, in perplexity and doubtful
dilemma.

DOCTOR CAIUS  I cannot tell vat is dat. But it is tell-a me
dat you make grand preparation for a duke de
Jamanie. By my trot, dere is no duke that the court
is know to come. I tell you for good will. Adieu.
[He exits.]

HOST, [to Bardolph]  Hue and cry, villain, go!--Assist
me, knight. I am undone.--Fly, run; hue and cry,
villain! I am undone.	[Host and Bardolph exit.]

FALSTAFF  I would all the world might be cozened, for I
have been cozened and beaten too. If it should
come to the ear of the court how I have been transformed,
and how my transformation hath been
washed and cudgeled, they would melt me out of
my fat drop by drop, and liquor fishermen's boots
with me. I warrant they would whip me with their
fine wits till I were as crestfallen as a dried pear. I
never prospered since I forswore myself at
primero. Well, if my wind were but long enough, I
would repent.

[Enter Mistress Quickly.]

Now, whence come you?

MISTRESS QUICKLY  From the two parties, forsooth.

FALSTAFF  The devil take one party, and his dam the
other, and so they shall be both bestowed. I have
suffered more for their sakes, more than the villainous
inconstancy of man's disposition is able to
bear.

MISTRESS QUICKLY  And have not they suffered? Yes, I
warrant, speciously one of them. Mistress Ford,
good heart, is beaten black and blue that you cannot
see a white spot about her.

FALSTAFF  What tell'st thou me of black and blue? I was
beaten myself into all the colors of the rainbow,
and I was like to be apprehended for the witch of
Brentford. But that my admirable dexterity of wit,
my counterfeiting the action of an old woman, delivered
me, the knave constable had set me i' th'
stocks, i' th' common stocks, for a witch.

MISTRESS QUICKLY  Sir, let me speak with you in your
chamber. You shall hear how things go, and, I warrant,
to your content. Here is a letter will say
somewhat. [She gives him a paper.] Good hearts,
what ado here is to bring you together! Sure, one
of you does not serve heaven well, that you are so
crossed.

FALSTAFF  Come up into my chamber.
[They exit.]

Scene 6
=======
[Enter Fenton and Host.]


HOST  Master Fenton, talk not to me. My mind is
heavy. I will give over all.

FENTON
Yet hear me speak. Assist me in my purpose,
And, as I am a gentleman, I'll give thee
A hundred pound in gold more than your loss.

HOST  I will hear you, Master Fenton, and I will, at the
least, keep your counsel.

FENTON
From time to time I have acquainted you
With the dear love I bear to fair Anne Page,
Who mutually hath answered my affection,
So far forth as herself might be her chooser,
Even to my wish. I have a letter from her
Of such contents as you will wonder at,
The mirth whereof so larded with my matter
That neither singly can be manifested
Without the show of both. Fat Falstaff
Hath a great scene; the image of the jest
I'll show you here at large. [He shows the Host a
paper.] Hark, good mine Host:
Tonight at Herne's oak, just 'twixt twelve and one,
Must my sweet Nan present the Fairy Queen--
The purpose why is here--in which disguise,
While other jests are something rank on foot,
Her father hath commanded her to slip
Away with Slender, and with him at Eton
Immediately to marry. She hath consented. Now, sir,
Her mother, ever strong against that match
And firm for Doctor Caius, hath appointed
That he shall likewise shuffle her away,
While other sports are tasking of their minds,
And at the dean'ry, where a priest attends,
Straight marry her. To this her mother's plot
She, seemingly obedient, likewise hath
Made promise to the doctor. Now, thus it rests:
Her father means she shall be all in white,
And in that habit, when Slender sees his time
To take her by the hand and bid her go,
She shall go with him. Her mother hath intended
The better to denote her to the doctor--
For they must all be masked and vizarded--
That quaint in green she shall be loose enrobed,
With ribbons pendent flaring 'bout her head;
And when the doctor spies his vantage ripe,
To pinch her by the hand, and on that token
The maid hath given consent to go with him.

HOST
Which means she to deceive, father or mother?

FENTON
Both, my good Host, to go along with me.
And here it rests, that you'll procure the vicar
To stay for me at church 'twixt twelve and one,
And, in the lawful name of marrying,
To give our hearts united ceremony.

HOST
Well, husband your device. I'll to the vicar.
Bring you the maid, you shall not lack a priest.

FENTON
So shall I evermore be bound to thee;
Besides, I'll make a present recompense.
[They exit.]


ACT 5
=====

Scene 1
=======
[Enter Sir John Falstaff and Mistress Quickly.]


FALSTAFF  Prithee, no more prattling. Go. I'll hold. This
is the third time; I hope good luck lies in odd numbers.
Away, go. They say there is divinity in odd
numbers, either in nativity, chance, or death.
Away.

MISTRESS QUICKLY  I'll provide you a chain, and I'll do
what I can to get you a pair of horns.

FALSTAFF  Away, I say! Time wears. Hold up your head,
and mince.	[Mistress Quickly exits.]

[Enter Ford disguised as Brook.]

How now, Master Brook! Master Brook, the
matter will be known tonight or never. Be you in
the park about midnight, at Herne's oak, and you
shall see wonders.

FORD, [as Brook]  Went you not to her yesterday, sir, as
you told me you had appointed?

FALSTAFF  I went to her, Master Brook, as you see,
like a poor old man, but I came from her, Master
Brook, like a poor old woman. That same knave
Ford, her husband, hath the finest mad devil of
jealousy in him, Master Brook, that ever governed
frenzy. I will tell you, he beat me grievously,
in the shape of a woman; for in the shape of man,
Master Brook, I fear not Goliath with a weaver's
beam, because I know also life is a shuttle. I am in
haste. Go along with me; I'll tell you all, Master
Brook. Since I plucked geese, played truant, and
whipped top, I knew not what 'twas to be beaten
till lately. Follow me. I'll tell you strange things of
this knave Ford, on whom tonight I will be revenged,
and I will deliver his wife into your hand.
Follow. Strange things in hand, Master Brook!
Follow.
[They exit.]

Scene 2
=======
[Enter Page, Shallow, and Slender.]


PAGE  Come, come. We'll couch i' th' castle ditch till we
see the light of our fairies.--Remember, son Slender,
my--

SLENDER  Ay, forsooth, I have spoke with her, and we
have a nayword how to know one another. I come
to her in white and cry "mum," she cries "budget,"
and by that we know one another.

SHALLOW  That's good too. But what needs either your
"mum" or her "budget"? The white will decipher
her well enough. It hath struck ten o'clock.

PAGE  The night is dark. Light and spirits will become
it well. Heaven prosper our sport! No man means
evil but the devil, and we shall know him by his
horns. Let's away. Follow me.
[They exit.]

Scene 3
=======
[Enter Mistress Page, Mistress Ford, and Doctor Caius.]


MISTRESS PAGE  Master Doctor, my daughter is in
green. When you see your time, take her by the
hand; away with her to the deanery, and dispatch
it quickly. Go before into the park. We two must go
together.

DOCTOR CAIUS  I know vat I have to do. Adieu.

MISTRESS PAGE  Fare you well, sir.	[Caius exits.]
My husband will not rejoice so much at the abuse
of Falstaff as he will chafe at the doctor's marrying
my daughter. But 'tis no matter. Better a little chiding
than a great deal of heartbreak.

MISTRESS FORD  Where is Nan now, and her troop of
fairies, and the Welsh devil Hugh?

MISTRESS PAGE  They are all couched in a pit hard by
Herne's oak, with obscured lights, which, at the
very instant of Falstaff's and our meeting, they will
at once display to the night.

MISTRESS FORD  That cannot choose but amaze him.

MISTRESS PAGE  If he be not amazed, he will be
mocked. If he be amazed, he will every way be
mocked.

MISTRESS FORD  We'll betray him finely.

MISTRESS PAGE
Against such lewdsters and their lechery,
Those that betray them do no treachery.

MISTRESS FORD  The hour draws on. To the oak, to the
oak!
[They exit.]

Scene 4
=======
[Enter Sir Hugh Evans and boys disguised,
like him, as Fairies.]


SIR HUGH  Trib, trib, fairies! Come, and remember
your parts. Be pold, I pray you. Follow me into the
pit, and when I give the watch-'ords, do as I pid
you. Come, come; trib, trib.	[They exit.]

Scene 5
=======
[Enter Sir John Falstaff wearing a buck's head.]


FALSTAFF  The Windsor bell hath struck twelve. The
minute draws on. Now, the hot-blooded gods assist
me! Remember, Jove, thou wast a bull for thy
Europa; love set on thy horns. O powerful love,
that in some respects makes a beast a man, in
some other a man a beast! You were also, Jupiter,
a swan for the love of Leda. O omnipotent love,
how near the god drew to the complexion of a
goose! A fault done first in the form of a beast; O
Jove, a beastly fault! And then another fault in the
semblance of a fowl; think on 't, Jove, a foul fault.
When gods have hot backs, what shall poor men
do? For me, I am here a Windsor stag, and the fattest,
I think, i' th' forest. Send me a cool rut-time,
Jove, or who can blame me to piss my tallow?

[Enter Mistress Page and Mistress Ford.]

Who comes here? My doe?

MISTRESS FORD  Sir John? Art thou there, my deer, my
male deer?

FALSTAFF  My doe with the black scut! Let the sky rain
potatoes, let it thunder to the tune of "Greensleeves,"
hail kissing-comfits, and snow eryngoes; let there
come a tempest of provocation, I will shelter me
here.	[He embraces her.]

MISTRESS FORD  Mistress Page is come with me,
sweetheart.

FALSTAFF  Divide me like a bribed buck, each a haunch.
I will keep my sides to myself, my shoulders for
the fellow of this walk, and my horns I bequeath
your husbands. Am I a woodman, ha? Speak I like
Herne the Hunter? Why, now is Cupid a child of
conscience; he makes restitution. As I am a true
spirit, welcome.	[A noise of horns within.]

MISTRESS PAGE  Alas, what noise?

MISTRESS FORD  Heaven forgive our sins!

FALSTAFF  What should this be?

MISTRESS FORD and MISTRESS PAGE  Away, away.
[The two women run off.]

FALSTAFF  I think the devil will not have me damned,
lest the oil that's in me should set hell on fire. He
would never else cross me thus.

[Enter Mistress Quickly, Pistol, Sir Hugh Evans,
Anne Page and boys, all disguised as Fairies and
carrying tapers.]


MISTRESS QUICKLY, [as Fairy Queen]
Fairies black, gray, green, and white,
You moonshine revelers and shades of night,
You orphan heirs of fixed destiny,
Attend your office and your quality.
Crier Hobgoblin, make the fairy oyes.

PISTOL, [as Hobgoblin]
Elves, list your names. Silence, you airy toys!--
Cricket, to Windsor chimneys shalt thou leap,
Where fires thou find'st unraked and hearths
unswept.
There pinch the maids as blue as bilberry.
Our radiant queen hates sluts and sluttery.

FALSTAFF, [aside]
They are fairies. He that speaks to them shall die.
I'll wink and couch. No man their works must eye.
[He crouches down and covers his eyes.]

SIR HUGH, [as a fairy]
Where's Bead? Go you, and where you find a maid
That ere she sleep has thrice her prayers said,
Raise up the organs of her fantasy;
Sleep she as sound as careless infancy.
But those as sleep and think not on their sins,
Pinch them, arms, legs, backs, shoulders, sides, and
shins.

MISTRESS QUICKLY, [as Fairy Queen]  About, about!
Search Windsor Castle, elves, within and out.
Strew good luck, aufs, on every sacred room,
That it may stand till the perpetual doom
In state as wholesome as in state 'tis fit,
Worthy the owner, and the owner it.
The several chairs of order look you scour
With juice of balm and every precious flower.
Each fair installment, coat, and sev'ral crest
With loyal blazon evermore be blest!
And nightly, meadow fairies, look you sing,
Like to the Garter's compass, in a ring.
Th' expressure that it bears, green let it be,
More fertile-fresh than all the field to see;
And Honi soit qui mal y pense write
In em'rald tufts, flowers purple, blue, and white,
Like sapphire, pearl, and rich embroidery,
Buckled below fair knighthood's bending knee.
Fairies use flowers for their charactery.
Away, disperse! But till 'tis one o'clock,
Our dance of custom round about the oak
Of Herne the Hunter let us not forget.

SIR HUGH, [as a fairy]
Pray you, lock hand in hand. Yourselves in order set;
And twenty glowworms shall our lanterns be,
To guide our measure round about the tree.
But stay! I smell a man of Middle Earth.

FALSTAFF, [aside]  Heavens defend me from that Welsh
fairy, lest he transform me to a piece of cheese.

PISTOL, [as Hobgoblin, to Falstaff]
Vile worm, thou wast o'erlooked even in thy birth.

MISTRESS QUICKLY, [as Fairy Queen, to Sir Hugh]
With trial-fire touch me his finger-end.
If he be chaste, the flame will back descend
And turn him to no pain. But if he start,
It is the flesh of a corrupted heart.

PISTOL, [as Hobgoblin]
A trial, come!

SIR HUGH, [as a fairy]  Come, will this wood take fire?
[Sir Hugh puts a taper to Falstaff's finger, and he starts.]

FALSTAFF  O, O, O!

MISTRESS QUICKLY, [as Fairy Queen]
Corrupt, corrupt, and tainted in desire!
About him, fairies. Sing a scornful rhyme,
And, as you trip, still pinch him to your time.

[Here they pinch him and sing about him, and Doctor
Caius comes one way and steals away a boy in white.
And Slender comes another way; he takes a boy in
green. And Fenton steals Mistress Anne Page.]


FAIRIES [sing]
	Fie on sinful fantasy!
	Fie on lust and luxury!
	Lust is but a bloody fire
	Kindled with unchaste desire,
	Fed in heart whose flames aspire
	As thoughts do blow them higher and higher.
	Pinch him, fairies, mutually;
	Pinch him for his villainy.
Pinch him and burn him and turn him about,
Till candles and starlight and moonshine be out.

[A noise of hunting is made within, and all the fairies
run away from Falstaff, who pulls off his buck's head
and rises up. Enter Page, Mistress Page,
Mistress Ford and Ford.]


PAGE, [to Falstaff]
Nay, do not fly. I think we have watched you now.
Will none but Herne the Hunter serve your turn?

MISTRESS PAGE
I pray you, come, hold up the jest no higher.--
Now, good Sir John, how like you Windsor wives?
[She points to the horns.]
See you these, husband? Do not these fair yokes
Become the forest better than the town?

FORD, [to Falstaff]  Now, sir, who's a cuckold now?
Master Brook, Falstaff's a knave, a cuckoldly
knave. Here are his horns, Master Brook. And,
Master Brook, he hath enjoyed nothing of Ford's
but his buck-basket, his cudgel, and twenty
pounds of money, which must be paid to Master
Brook. His horses are arrested for it, Master
Brook.

MISTRESS FORD  Sir John, we have had ill luck. We
could never meet. I will never take you for my love
again, but I will always count you my deer.

FALSTAFF  I do begin to perceive that I am made an ass.

FORD  Ay, and an ox too. Both the proofs are extant.

FALSTAFF  And these are not fairies. I was three or four
times in the thought they were not fairies; and yet
the guiltiness of my mind, the sudden surprise of
my powers, drove the grossness of the foppery into
a received belief, in despite of the teeth of all
rhyme and reason, that they were fairies. See now
how wit may be made a Jack-a-Lent when 'tis upon
ill employment.

SIR HUGH  Sir John Falstaff, serve Got and leave your
desires, and fairies will not pinse you.

FORD  Well said, Fairy Hugh.

SIR HUGH  And leave you your jealousies too, I pray
you.

FORD  I will never mistrust my wife again till thou art
able to woo her in good English.

FALSTAFF  Have I laid my brain in the sun and dried it,
that it wants matter to prevent so gross o'erreaching
as this? Am I ridden with a Welsh goat too?
Shall I have a coxcomb of frieze? 'Tis time I were
choked with a piece of toasted cheese.

SIR HUGH  Seese is not good to give putter. Your belly is
all putter.

FALSTAFF  "Seese" and "putter"? Have I lived to stand at
the taunt of one that makes fritters of English?
This is enough to be the decay of lust and late
walking through the realm.

MISTRESS PAGE  Why, Sir John, do you think though we
would have thrust virtue out of our hearts by the
head and shoulders, and have given ourselves
without scruple to hell, that ever the devil could
have made you our delight?

FORD  What, a hodge-pudding? A bag of flax?

MISTRESS PAGE  A puffed man?

PAGE  Old, cold, withered, and of intolerable entrails?

FORD  And one that is as slanderous as Satan?

PAGE  And as poor as Job?

FORD  And as wicked as his wife?

SIR HUGH  And given to fornications, and to taverns,
and sack, and wine, and metheglins, and to drinkings
and swearings and starings, pribbles and
prabbles?

FALSTAFF  Well, I am your theme. You have the start of
me. I am dejected. I am not able to answer the
Welsh flannel. Ignorance itself is a plummet o'er
me. Use me as you will.

FORD  Marry, sir, we'll bring you to Windsor to one
Master Brook, that you have cozened of money,
to whom you should have been a pander. Over and
above that you have suffered, I think to repay that
money will be a biting affliction.

PAGE  Yet be cheerful, knight. Thou shalt eat a posset
tonight at my house, where I will desire thee to
laugh at my wife, that now laughs at thee. Tell her
Master Slender hath married her daughter.

MISTRESS PAGE, [aside]  Doctors doubt that. If Anne
Page be my daughter, she is, by this, Doctor Caius'
wife.

[Enter Slender.]


SLENDER  Whoa, ho, ho, Father Page!

PAGE  Son, how now! How now, son! Have you
dispatched?

SLENDER  "Dispatched"? I'll make the best in Gloucestershire
know on 't. Would I were hanged, la, else!

PAGE  Of what, son?

SLENDER  I came yonder at Eton to marry Mistress
Anne Page, and she's a great lubberly boy. If it had
not been i' th' church, I would have swinged him,
or he should have swinged me. If I did not think it
had been Anne Page, would I might never stir! And
'tis a post-master's boy.

PAGE  Upon my life, then, you took the wrong--

SLENDER  What need you tell me that? I think so, when
I took a boy for a girl. If I had been married to him,
for all he was in woman's apparel, I would not
have had him.

PAGE  Why, this is your own folly. Did not I tell you
how you should know my daughter by her
garments?

SLENDER  I went to her in white, and cried "mum,"
and she cried "budget," as Anne and I had appointed,
and yet it was not Anne, but a post-master's
boy.

MISTRESS PAGE  Good George, be not angry. I knew of
your purpose, turned my daughter into green,
and indeed she is now with the doctor at the deanery,
and there married.

[Enter Doctor Caius.]


DOCTOR CAIUS  Vere is Mistress Page? By gar, I am cozened!
I ha' married un garcon, a boy; un paysan, by
gar, a boy. It is not Anne Page. By gar, I am
cozened.

MISTRESS PAGE  Why? Did you take her in green?

DOCTOR CAIUS  Ay, be gar, and 'tis a boy. Be gar, I'll raise
all Windsor.

FORD  This is strange. Who hath got the right Anne?

[Enter Fenton and Anne Page.]


PAGE  My heart misgives me. Here comes Master Fenton.--
How now, Master Fenton!

ANNE  Pardon, good father. Good my mother, pardon.

PAGE  Now, mistress, how chance you went not with
Master Slender?

MISTRESS PAGE
Why went you not with Master Doctor, maid?

FENTON
You do amaze her. Hear the truth of it.
You would have married her most shamefully,
Where there was no proportion held in love.
The truth is, she and I, long since contracted,
Are now so sure that nothing can dissolve us.
Th' offense is holy that she hath committed,
And this deceit loses the name of craft,
Of disobedience, or unduteous title,
Since therein she doth evitate and shun
A thousand irreligious cursed hours
Which forced marriage would have brought upon her.

FORD, [to Page and Mistress Page]
Stand not amazed. Here is no remedy.
In love the heavens themselves do guide the state.
Money buys lands, and wives are sold by fate.

FALSTAFF  I am glad, though you have ta'en a special
stand to strike at me, that your arrow hath
glanced.

PAGE
Well, what remedy? Fenton, heaven give thee joy.
What cannot be eschewed must be embraced.

FALSTAFF
When night-dogs run, all sorts of deer are chased.

MISTRESS PAGE
Well, I will muse no further.--Master Fenton,
Heaven give you many, many merry days.--
Good husband, let us every one go home
And laugh this sport o'er by a country fire--
Sir John and all.

FORD  Let it be so, Sir John.
To Master Brook you yet shall hold your word,
For he tonight shall lie with Mistress Ford.
[They exit.]
